Watching a Mother’s loss.

Watching a Mother’s loss.

Recently my 18 yr. old step sister passed away from complications due to chemotherapy. She was in remission and going home was just in her grasp, but God wanted her home with him instead.  Left at home are broken hearts and tear filled eyes. The hardest has been watching another mother, my step-mother live with this loss.

Now that I am a mother I could not imagine the grief that has overtaken this woman I once knew. Every thought is interrupted by a memory, a question, and an angry, internal shout to the world.  Just as life does it goes on, for everyone else. For her though how will life move forward? There is no getting over this grief, there is never a day she won’t miss her daughter. It will be learning to live with the loss but how?

I look at her and you can see the grief in her appearance. Her eyes have changed, they look miles away. You can see that her thoughts are deep and that she has spent some of the day crying. Her smile, I miss her smile. The smile she gives now is broken and you can tell she is missing something in her life. I wanted to write this because last night I couldn’t get over how much hurt I have for her, how much I wish I could give her daughter to her. I believe in God and heaven and that Taylor is in a better place and I know she does too. However, no matter how many times you say that you know it’s halfhearted. We are human and it is hard to be anything but that. She wants her daughter here, she wants to hear her voice, she wants to hug her and touch her warm skin.  No matter how well God takes care of us in heaven it doesn’t change the grief or the yearning to have her here.  Letting go and allowing God to be the main caregiver is probably the hardest part. To take solace in the Word is difficult when your heart is consumed with grief.

Does anyone have advice for a mother who has lost a child? I’m curious about ways I can help my stepmother.

2013 Summer To Do’s

With the “official” beginning of summer just around the corner (June 21^st) I feel it is appropriate for me to create a list of Summer To Do’s. With me being pregnant it has added a whole new list of goals.

2013 Summer To Do’s

Focus on Being Fit

This is a To Do to work on all summer. I bought a treadmill and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve used it. There is no reason for me to swell up just because I am pregnant. Plus being active makes me feel a lot better than when I am sluggish on the couch.

Take Max to a Ball Game

I don’t know if he is ready for the “big leagues” but, I think the atmosphere that I love so much can be appreciated even by someone so small. Perhaps we can go to a Mud Hens game and get the experience I’m looking for.

Zoo

I’d like to make it to the zoo a few times and maybe once sans Max. I think the zoo would be a fun place to snap some photos and people watch. My friend Emily just got a new camera so I am sure I can rope her into going. Girl’s Day without kids who can say no to that?

Imagination Station

Max is at a fun age and with baby brother’s arrival quickly approaching I’d like to get in some trips that might be hard to do with a newborn in tow. I might be jumping the gun on this trip but, I do know they have a Littlest Adventurers exhibit that I think Max would really enjoy.

Camping

This I didn’t get to do last year! I want to make it a priority to get friends and family down to the river to do some gritty, in a tent, old fashioned camping! We did this when I was younger and I loved staying the night in a tent. It was scary and exciting. I think Max and his buddies would like it. Being pregnant though I might want to search for a nice air mattress.

Put-In-Bay/Kelly’s Island

I think Max would love riding the Jet Express. Over on the island there is a nice park and it would be fun to spend the day riding over there and having a picnic and walking around. (Hopefully before all the party goers arrive)

Being 99.99% Prepared for Baby Boy

Last night I washed up Max’s old carseat. I need to start going through totes of his old clothes and making inventory of what I have. I’d like to be prepared to bring this little guy home and be able to relax.

Accomplish Crafts

I don’t know about you guys but I am a serial pinner. I just never accomplish all the cool ideas I pin. I have an unfinished Kitchen, Living Room, Baby Room, and Bedroom that needs my pinned ideas. I want to accomplish those so I can feel like I live in a complete home and not a work in progress!

I’m sure I am leaving out some other ideas I have for the summer but, these ones are the BIG ONES! Anyone else have any summer plans they would like to share?

Sea World Scouts

Sea World Scouts

I mentioned I was pregnant. How unfair is pregnancy really? Pretty dang unfair! I am slowly packing on the pounds and feeling like a bloated whale. I felt like a bloated whale when I wasn’t pregnant so now that I am………I feel like Sea World scouts have been out to my home. I suppose that would be a decent second income and it might be nice hearing tons of screaming fans chant my name to watch me swim out and flop around in a pool. Perhaps I’ll consider it if they decide to make me any offers. The sad part is I am only 17 weeks. AHHH! That means I have many more weeks ahead of me to really beef up. I have been trying a bit harder to stay healthy and I did do a nice 40 minute jaunt on the treadmill yesterday but now my knees hurt and I must take a day of rest. I wish I could be a health nut and really make a life change. I will try harder next week. It’s too late to start now plus I have a BBQ this weekend.

The weather is finally starting to be warm here in Ohio. However, I said that the other week when it got to the 70’s and the next 3 days were back into the low 50’s and high 40’s. I’m sick of cold weather. I can disguise my fatness in cold weather attire though. Summer clothes are unforgiving especially to my arms. I did try and lift some 8lb weights yesterday. Maybe if I keep that up I will have nice arms. If my commitment to blogging is any look into my life, then you might be able to see that I am not good at keeping up on things.

I usually like to have some summer goals. One normally being a trip to the baseball field to catch the Indians play, with the weather warming up it has me itching to look up tickets. I do enjoy a good baseball game. I love stadium dogs for $900 dollars and a cool drink for a refreshing $400. I pay the prices and it’s the best dog I will have all summer. I like how everyone collective cheers. I enjoy the opportunity to people watch. I just think it is a nice summer activity and it is nice to go with a group of friends. I am not a huge baseball fan but I do like to go once or twice if I can.

I’d love to take Max some place this summer, I haven’t been on a vacation in years. For a while I was quite the jet setter. Key West, Hiking the Grand Canyon, San Francisco, driving from Dallas to San Diego. I didn’t appreciate my travels much then perhaps because I was going on them so much but now, I miss them. I miss them a lot. Another thing I miss is concerts. I was the concert connoisseur for some time and that too is another habit I lost. Those faded with my divorce and at the time I thought it was more his thing than mine but, it was my thing too. Heavy Sigh*   I can’t go far with Max because we don’t have the time or the cash flow. Plus he is too little to really remember a good trip like Disney World and if I am going to fork out that kind of dough then he is going to love it and remember it forever. Plus now with baby dos on the way I might as well wait until he/she (hopefully she) has arrived and aged and we can go as a family of 3 or 4 depending on where their dads head is at the time….or maybe 5 if the other chick he “might have pregnant” turns out the be his child and she allows her to go with us. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Life!  I am not going to complain, I just like to sit back and giggle in a weird way at where I am at and how my silly choices have led me to where I am not. Living the lifestyle of a habitual mistake maker lands you in some pretty goofy situations. Back to positive things…….the trip.

I’d like to go to a beach, maybe stay in a cabin by the lake. Drive to NC and visit my brother and enjoy the beach there. Who knows, I am always on the lookout of some undiscovered gem here in Ohio where I can take Max. Hopefully I find it so I can get this plan hatched.

Well folks it is lunch time and I need to work on getting in shape for Sea World. If I am lucky maybe the girl at the Taco Bell Drive Thru will chant my name as I pull up to the window so I can get a taste of what life will be like.

Hope all is well friends.

G is for genuine.

G is for genuine.

It is rare to find genuine people out in this world today. You find yourself surrounded by friends, family, and co-workers and out of those people only a handful might actually be genuine and nice. It is a sad reality that many people just don’t care and only care about their own lives and what’s happening to them.

Today I want to share with you how lucky I am to know the lady I work with. She is kind hearted and above anything else she is real. When I first came to my new job I was nervous because I hadn’t heard the greatest stories of my new boss. I walked into our warehouse and there behind a desk sat a petite woman with the most welcoming smile. Instantly I felt at ease and I knew that she was someone I liked. Through the months I was lucky enough to occasionally share an office with her and get to know her more. It turns out that this woman loved the same kind of music that I did. We both share a love for Radiohead and it is rare to find someone who likes Radiohead and even more rare to find someone in her age group who likes them. She instantly at that moment became my favorite person at work. After that I opened up to her about my life and she let me in on a few of her personal stories as well. I’ve cried to her and she has opened her arms and hugged me as if I was one of her own children. She too has cried in front of me. We laugh at how if someone walked in and saw us they wouldn’t know what to think.  She gives me advice and support when I need it the most whether it’s about work or my life. I have good friends who I love dearly and they do the same for me as well and I love that I found someone new I can add to that list.

I know that this lady reads my blog from time to time, so Jan thanks for being you! You make my work life and personal life brighter.

Excellent Fun

Excellent Fun

I missed Sunday but for good reason. I was quite busy on Sunday. We took Max to the African Safari Wildlife Park, which is a drive thru park where animals, large animals come to your car and eat. It started out well enough with the llamas. Max was okay with them and was able to hold a carrot with my supportive hand and fed them. We moved right along to the Longhorn Cows, these ones made me a little nervous as their large horns tapped at the windshield. I think Max could sense my fear a little bit and he moved to the center of the car away from the window. Last we came to the extremely large buffalo. We had one on each side of the car and they forced their massive heads as far into the window as possible. This for sure made me nervous and Max started crying!! I’m sure if they felt overwhelmingly large to me, they had to be very scary to him. We slowly drove away and they got the point we were moving and walked on to the car behind us. All in all I think Max enjoyed himself so that was good.

After the safari we took about a hour nap which was nice because I hardly get the chance to nap when he is. After our nap we went to visit my grandparents and we went along with them to DQ. Sundays weather was beautiful, it was probably the warmest day we have had. I am getting very tired of the cold weather so it was a welcomed change.

Today is Monday and it is time to get back at it. Back to work, back to day to day Mon-Fri. Hopefully today marks my starting point of healthier choices seeing as I allowed myself to indulge this weekend. Goodbye world of fried food and deliciousness. I will miss you but hopefully not too much!

This weekend was full of excellent weather and fun!

D is for Discover

Discover

I'm doing this from my phone so excuse any errors.

I was going to do dependable for my "D" word today but decided that wasn't the point I wanted to make with me story.

As some readers may know I am pregnant by a man that I have not been able to depend on in my life. A let down is the only dependable act he can create. For the past couple weeks our situation was getting better. I was falling deeper in love with hope. Then the weekend comes and I'm snapped back into reality. Then he follows up on Sunday with an apologetic new outlook and time and time again I allow him a second, third, by now I'd suppose we are on the 187th chance. Shame on me and no one else. This week was wonderful, he was coming over and we spent a lot of nights cuddled on the couch and really had a good time. We made each other laugh, he would rub my belly in the morning, I had a headache and he quietly played with my hair while we watched Willy Wonka. It is my ideal setting of a grown up relationship that he as a 27yr old should be able to provide. Friday rolls around and during the day my hopes are high but slowly began to dwindle. As you see I'm a Monday through Thursday girl, weekends are reserved for him and whatever bar or friend is most appealing that night. He drops off the text messaging world. I know why, if he isn't available to text he knows I get upset, if I'm upset he has a reason as to why he wasn't texting me. Hence his reason for seeing friends because "why would I want to be around you if you're mad at me"? I know the game because its been the same way for years now between us. I send a last text of "you're a real jerk" I know, real mature wording. It's all I had at the time though. No response.... Hours pass... No response. I fall asleep with my son on the couch. I wake up at 1:30 a.m. and shut off the tv and take us to bed. I check my phone only to be let down with again no response.  The shrill tone of an "old telephone" that I've selected as my ringtone disturbs my sleep. I open one eye to look at this caller, an unknown number. Odd but I answer. The familiar, quiet, rough, voice says "what are you doing?" Oh let's see 2:00 a.m. well I just finished a load of laundry, finishing up a roast, and possibly going to start a game of Go Fish with my neighbor... What do you mean what am I doing, like every other normal adult mother, I'm sleeping! I don't say any of this, I just quietly say "I'm sleeping." He then says "is your door open" in which I respond where have you been? "Well after work I stopped at Legends (our local watering hole for the young and worthless) and then I went to Kyles house. His brothers bringing me out now" he is where my "D" word finally shows face. I asked if he was close, he isn't used to any other response than yes. "Why should I not come over?" Then I lay into him with my hurt. "No I don't think it's a good idea, you couldn't talk to me all night, you couldn't tell me your plans you just ignore me, you think this is acceptable, well it's not in fact it's disrespectful. So no I don't think it's good you come here." I am meant with silence and then a "fine Ill go home" I hang up without saying goodbye. I discovered for the first time that I am fully capable of demanding respect. It is disrespectful and by me allowing him to just come in after a night like that does nothing but show weakness and weak I am not. I love him and I want him to change and I fear that will never happen. That I will discover with time. I laid in bed feeling triumphet, I was proud of myself. It hurt in a way because I did want him there. I wanted to tell him in person how it upset me but it wouldve been the same stuff over and over.

I realized this morning I need to spend more time discovering myself and other things. I need to be brave and venture into areas of my life that up until now Ive left undiscovered. I need to work on my personal strength and my realization that I am worth respect. I need to discover my true relationship with God by allowing myself not to fear the walk. It may not be something I'm used to but I think walking the right way in life is Gods way of demanding respect. He sent his child to die for my sins, the many sins I have committed and still I choose to live this half-hearted lifestyle with God. I treat God the way Dustin treats me. As a convienence, as a place of refuge after a period of taking care of my own wants and desires. I'm not saying that I am jumping off the deep end and really making this huge change. Any big and lasting change takes time and effort. One that lately has really made itself known. I need to make more of an effort to discover my true potential and purpose that the good word says God has for everyone. So here's to the "D" word discover. May you all discover something great this year. Whether it be something in yourself or a nice little restaurant around the corner that you never knew about. Discovering anything can be fun in itself and I hope this journey to my own discovery leads me to the happiness I so longingly desire.

Happy Saturday friends, I'm off to make French Toast for Max and I.

C is for Caption

Caption.

Today for my “C” word I chose caption. You have seen them on countless photos I am sure. So my post will consist of nothing but photos with captions. Enjoy! Happy Friday by the way!

 

One of my favorite pictures down by the river.




The Cow out front of my grandparents house that we all have been on for a picture. Max's turn!



Heaven is all around us. Beautiful church in town!



I can't even remember him being this small *tear. The day we took him home.




My favorite Florence and The Machine shot of the night.




Watching a friend get inked up. Ouch!




Not ready for this look again haha.




My Easter Babies. Max and my nephew Bo.




Halloween costume while pregnant. Always good for a laugh.




A friends boot. I feel like it needs a caption about reflection or something deep. I love this photo.




My favorite vampire. Forget Twilight.




Max's first Christmas!




How does this picture not make you smile. He made an enterance that night! Best ring bearer ever!




Last nights dinner, Strawberry & spinach salad with a goat cheese fritter. Yum!




Nothing more relaxing than a sleeping baby.




My blue eyed guy hunting for Easter Eggs.




Sunsets out my back window are the best.




The happiness that candy in a plastic egg brings. Each one he opened got the same reaction. The best!