Watching a Mother’s loss.

Watching a Mother’s loss.

Recently my 18 yr. old step sister passed away from complications due to chemotherapy. She was in remission and going home was just in her grasp, but God wanted her home with him instead.  Left at home are broken hearts and tear filled eyes. The hardest has been watching another mother, my step-mother live with this loss.

Now that I am a mother I could not imagine the grief that has overtaken this woman I once knew. Every thought is interrupted by a memory, a question, and an angry, internal shout to the world.  Just as life does it goes on, for everyone else. For her though how will life move forward? There is no getting over this grief, there is never a day she won’t miss her daughter. It will be learning to live with the loss but how?

I look at her and you can see the grief in her appearance. Her eyes have changed, they look miles away. You can see that her thoughts are deep and that she has spent some of the day crying. Her smile, I miss her smile. The smile she gives now is broken and you can tell she is missing something in her life. I wanted to write this because last night I couldn’t get over how much hurt I have for her, how much I wish I could give her daughter to her. I believe in God and heaven and that Taylor is in a better place and I know she does too. However, no matter how many times you say that you know it’s halfhearted. We are human and it is hard to be anything but that. She wants her daughter here, she wants to hear her voice, she wants to hug her and touch her warm skin.  No matter how well God takes care of us in heaven it doesn’t change the grief or the yearning to have her here.  Letting go and allowing God to be the main caregiver is probably the hardest part. To take solace in the Word is difficult when your heart is consumed with grief.

Does anyone have advice for a mother who has lost a child? I’m curious about ways I can help my stepmother.

2013 Summer To Do’s

With the “official” beginning of summer just around the corner (June 21^st) I feel it is appropriate for me to create a list of Summer To Do’s. With me being pregnant it has added a whole new list of goals.

2013 Summer To Do’s

Focus on Being Fit

This is a To Do to work on all summer. I bought a treadmill and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve used it. There is no reason for me to swell up just because I am pregnant. Plus being active makes me feel a lot better than when I am sluggish on the couch.

Take Max to a Ball Game

I don’t know if he is ready for the “big leagues” but, I think the atmosphere that I love so much can be appreciated even by someone so small. Perhaps we can go to a Mud Hens game and get the experience I’m looking for.

Zoo

I’d like to make it to the zoo a few times and maybe once sans Max. I think the zoo would be a fun place to snap some photos and people watch. My friend Emily just got a new camera so I am sure I can rope her into going. Girl’s Day without kids who can say no to that?

Imagination Station

Max is at a fun age and with baby brother’s arrival quickly approaching I’d like to get in some trips that might be hard to do with a newborn in tow. I might be jumping the gun on this trip but, I do know they have a Littlest Adventurers exhibit that I think Max would really enjoy.

Camping

This I didn’t get to do last year! I want to make it a priority to get friends and family down to the river to do some gritty, in a tent, old fashioned camping! We did this when I was younger and I loved staying the night in a tent. It was scary and exciting. I think Max and his buddies would like it. Being pregnant though I might want to search for a nice air mattress.

Put-In-Bay/Kelly’s Island

I think Max would love riding the Jet Express. Over on the island there is a nice park and it would be fun to spend the day riding over there and having a picnic and walking around. (Hopefully before all the party goers arrive)

Being 99.99% Prepared for Baby Boy

Last night I washed up Max’s old carseat. I need to start going through totes of his old clothes and making inventory of what I have. I’d like to be prepared to bring this little guy home and be able to relax.

Accomplish Crafts

I don’t know about you guys but I am a serial pinner. I just never accomplish all the cool ideas I pin. I have an unfinished Kitchen, Living Room, Baby Room, and Bedroom that needs my pinned ideas. I want to accomplish those so I can feel like I live in a complete home and not a work in progress!

I’m sure I am leaving out some other ideas I have for the summer but, these ones are the BIG ONES! Anyone else have any summer plans they would like to share?

Sea World Scouts

Sea World Scouts

I mentioned I was pregnant. How unfair is pregnancy really? Pretty dang unfair! I am slowly packing on the pounds and feeling like a bloated whale. I felt like a bloated whale when I wasn’t pregnant so now that I am………I feel like Sea World scouts have been out to my home. I suppose that would be a decent second income and it might be nice hearing tons of screaming fans chant my name to watch me swim out and flop around in a pool. Perhaps I’ll consider it if they decide to make me any offers. The sad part is I am only 17 weeks. AHHH! That means I have many more weeks ahead of me to really beef up. I have been trying a bit harder to stay healthy and I did do a nice 40 minute jaunt on the treadmill yesterday but now my knees hurt and I must take a day of rest. I wish I could be a health nut and really make a life change. I will try harder next week. It’s too late to start now plus I have a BBQ this weekend.

The weather is finally starting to be warm here in Ohio. However, I said that the other week when it got to the 70’s and the next 3 days were back into the low 50’s and high 40’s. I’m sick of cold weather. I can disguise my fatness in cold weather attire though. Summer clothes are unforgiving especially to my arms. I did try and lift some 8lb weights yesterday. Maybe if I keep that up I will have nice arms. If my commitment to blogging is any look into my life, then you might be able to see that I am not good at keeping up on things.

I usually like to have some summer goals. One normally being a trip to the baseball field to catch the Indians play, with the weather warming up it has me itching to look up tickets. I do enjoy a good baseball game. I love stadium dogs for $900 dollars and a cool drink for a refreshing $400. I pay the prices and it’s the best dog I will have all summer. I like how everyone collective cheers. I enjoy the opportunity to people watch. I just think it is a nice summer activity and it is nice to go with a group of friends. I am not a huge baseball fan but I do like to go once or twice if I can.

I’d love to take Max some place this summer, I haven’t been on a vacation in years. For a while I was quite the jet setter. Key West, Hiking the Grand Canyon, San Francisco, driving from Dallas to San Diego. I didn’t appreciate my travels much then perhaps because I was going on them so much but now, I miss them. I miss them a lot. Another thing I miss is concerts. I was the concert connoisseur for some time and that too is another habit I lost. Those faded with my divorce and at the time I thought it was more his thing than mine but, it was my thing too. Heavy Sigh*   I can’t go far with Max because we don’t have the time or the cash flow. Plus he is too little to really remember a good trip like Disney World and if I am going to fork out that kind of dough then he is going to love it and remember it forever. Plus now with baby dos on the way I might as well wait until he/she (hopefully she) has arrived and aged and we can go as a family of 3 or 4 depending on where their dads head is at the time….or maybe 5 if the other chick he “might have pregnant” turns out the be his child and she allows her to go with us. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Life!  I am not going to complain, I just like to sit back and giggle in a weird way at where I am at and how my silly choices have led me to where I am not. Living the lifestyle of a habitual mistake maker lands you in some pretty goofy situations. Back to positive things…….the trip.

I’d like to go to a beach, maybe stay in a cabin by the lake. Drive to NC and visit my brother and enjoy the beach there. Who knows, I am always on the lookout of some undiscovered gem here in Ohio where I can take Max. Hopefully I find it so I can get this plan hatched.

Well folks it is lunch time and I need to work on getting in shape for Sea World. If I am lucky maybe the girl at the Taco Bell Drive Thru will chant my name as I pull up to the window so I can get a taste of what life will be like.

Hope all is well friends.

G is for genuine.

G is for genuine.

It is rare to find genuine people out in this world today. You find yourself surrounded by friends, family, and co-workers and out of those people only a handful might actually be genuine and nice. It is a sad reality that many people just don’t care and only care about their own lives and what’s happening to them.

Today I want to share with you how lucky I am to know the lady I work with. She is kind hearted and above anything else she is real. When I first came to my new job I was nervous because I hadn’t heard the greatest stories of my new boss. I walked into our warehouse and there behind a desk sat a petite woman with the most welcoming smile. Instantly I felt at ease and I knew that she was someone I liked. Through the months I was lucky enough to occasionally share an office with her and get to know her more. It turns out that this woman loved the same kind of music that I did. We both share a love for Radiohead and it is rare to find someone who likes Radiohead and even more rare to find someone in her age group who likes them. She instantly at that moment became my favorite person at work. After that I opened up to her about my life and she let me in on a few of her personal stories as well. I’ve cried to her and she has opened her arms and hugged me as if I was one of her own children. She too has cried in front of me. We laugh at how if someone walked in and saw us they wouldn’t know what to think.  She gives me advice and support when I need it the most whether it’s about work or my life. I have good friends who I love dearly and they do the same for me as well and I love that I found someone new I can add to that list.

I know that this lady reads my blog from time to time, so Jan thanks for being you! You make my work life and personal life brighter.

Excellent Fun

Excellent Fun

I missed Sunday but for good reason. I was quite busy on Sunday. We took Max to the African Safari Wildlife Park, which is a drive thru park where animals, large animals come to your car and eat. It started out well enough with the llamas. Max was okay with them and was able to hold a carrot with my supportive hand and fed them. We moved right along to the Longhorn Cows, these ones made me a little nervous as their large horns tapped at the windshield. I think Max could sense my fear a little bit and he moved to the center of the car away from the window. Last we came to the extremely large buffalo. We had one on each side of the car and they forced their massive heads as far into the window as possible. This for sure made me nervous and Max started crying!! I’m sure if they felt overwhelmingly large to me, they had to be very scary to him. We slowly drove away and they got the point we were moving and walked on to the car behind us. All in all I think Max enjoyed himself so that was good.

After the safari we took about a hour nap which was nice because I hardly get the chance to nap when he is. After our nap we went to visit my grandparents and we went along with them to DQ. Sundays weather was beautiful, it was probably the warmest day we have had. I am getting very tired of the cold weather so it was a welcomed change.

Today is Monday and it is time to get back at it. Back to work, back to day to day Mon-Fri. Hopefully today marks my starting point of healthier choices seeing as I allowed myself to indulge this weekend. Goodbye world of fried food and deliciousness. I will miss you but hopefully not too much!

This weekend was full of excellent weather and fun!

D is for Discover

Discover

I'm doing this from my phone so excuse any errors.

I was going to do dependable for my "D" word today but decided that wasn't the point I wanted to make with me story.

As some readers may know I am pregnant by a man that I have not been able to depend on in my life. A let down is the only dependable act he can create. For the past couple weeks our situation was getting better. I was falling deeper in love with hope. Then the weekend comes and I'm snapped back into reality. Then he follows up on Sunday with an apologetic new outlook and time and time again I allow him a second, third, by now I'd suppose we are on the 187th chance. Shame on me and no one else. This week was wonderful, he was coming over and we spent a lot of nights cuddled on the couch and really had a good time. We made each other laugh, he would rub my belly in the morning, I had a headache and he quietly played with my hair while we watched Willy Wonka. It is my ideal setting of a grown up relationship that he as a 27yr old should be able to provide. Friday rolls around and during the day my hopes are high but slowly began to dwindle. As you see I'm a Monday through Thursday girl, weekends are reserved for him and whatever bar or friend is most appealing that night. He drops off the text messaging world. I know why, if he isn't available to text he knows I get upset, if I'm upset he has a reason as to why he wasn't texting me. Hence his reason for seeing friends because "why would I want to be around you if you're mad at me"? I know the game because its been the same way for years now between us. I send a last text of "you're a real jerk" I know, real mature wording. It's all I had at the time though. No response.... Hours pass... No response. I fall asleep with my son on the couch. I wake up at 1:30 a.m. and shut off the tv and take us to bed. I check my phone only to be let down with again no response.  The shrill tone of an "old telephone" that I've selected as my ringtone disturbs my sleep. I open one eye to look at this caller, an unknown number. Odd but I answer. The familiar, quiet, rough, voice says "what are you doing?" Oh let's see 2:00 a.m. well I just finished a load of laundry, finishing up a roast, and possibly going to start a game of Go Fish with my neighbor... What do you mean what am I doing, like every other normal adult mother, I'm sleeping! I don't say any of this, I just quietly say "I'm sleeping." He then says "is your door open" in which I respond where have you been? "Well after work I stopped at Legends (our local watering hole for the young and worthless) and then I went to Kyles house. His brothers bringing me out now" he is where my "D" word finally shows face. I asked if he was close, he isn't used to any other response than yes. "Why should I not come over?" Then I lay into him with my hurt. "No I don't think it's a good idea, you couldn't talk to me all night, you couldn't tell me your plans you just ignore me, you think this is acceptable, well it's not in fact it's disrespectful. So no I don't think it's good you come here." I am meant with silence and then a "fine Ill go home" I hang up without saying goodbye. I discovered for the first time that I am fully capable of demanding respect. It is disrespectful and by me allowing him to just come in after a night like that does nothing but show weakness and weak I am not. I love him and I want him to change and I fear that will never happen. That I will discover with time. I laid in bed feeling triumphet, I was proud of myself. It hurt in a way because I did want him there. I wanted to tell him in person how it upset me but it wouldve been the same stuff over and over.

I realized this morning I need to spend more time discovering myself and other things. I need to be brave and venture into areas of my life that up until now Ive left undiscovered. I need to work on my personal strength and my realization that I am worth respect. I need to discover my true relationship with God by allowing myself not to fear the walk. It may not be something I'm used to but I think walking the right way in life is Gods way of demanding respect. He sent his child to die for my sins, the many sins I have committed and still I choose to live this half-hearted lifestyle with God. I treat God the way Dustin treats me. As a convienence, as a place of refuge after a period of taking care of my own wants and desires. I'm not saying that I am jumping off the deep end and really making this huge change. Any big and lasting change takes time and effort. One that lately has really made itself known. I need to make more of an effort to discover my true potential and purpose that the good word says God has for everyone. So here's to the "D" word discover. May you all discover something great this year. Whether it be something in yourself or a nice little restaurant around the corner that you never knew about. Discovering anything can be fun in itself and I hope this journey to my own discovery leads me to the happiness I so longingly desire.

Happy Saturday friends, I'm off to make French Toast for Max and I.

C is for Caption

Caption.

Today for my “C” word I chose caption. You have seen them on countless photos I am sure. So my post will consist of nothing but photos with captions. Enjoy! Happy Friday by the way!

 

One of my favorite pictures down by the river.




The Cow out front of my grandparents house that we all have been on for a picture. Max's turn!



Heaven is all around us. Beautiful church in town!



I can't even remember him being this small *tear. The day we took him home.




My favorite Florence and The Machine shot of the night.




Watching a friend get inked up. Ouch!




Not ready for this look again haha.




My Easter Babies. Max and my nephew Bo.




Halloween costume while pregnant. Always good for a laugh.




A friends boot. I feel like it needs a caption about reflection or something deep. I love this photo.




My favorite vampire. Forget Twilight.




Max's first Christmas!




How does this picture not make you smile. He made an enterance that night! Best ring bearer ever!




Last nights dinner, Strawberry & spinach salad with a goat cheese fritter. Yum!




Nothing more relaxing than a sleeping baby.




My blue eyed guy hunting for Easter Eggs.




Sunsets out my back window are the best.




The happiness that candy in a plastic egg brings. Each one he opened got the same reaction. The best!





B for the Beatles

I decided my “B” word today would be Beatles.

To me there is no greater band out there in the world of music. Some people consider them over rated or not that great but; to me they are the cat’s meow.

I think I like the Beatles so much because I share a love for them with many friends and family members. Some of my favorite memories are listening to The One cd in the car on our way to the mall with my family. My mom really enjoys the Beatles so she introduced them to me at a young age. Now that I am older my love for the band has deepened. My close friend Emily had Beatles Rockband and we spent many nights at her house sharing a bottle of wine and a gaming microphone singing our hearts out with the Beatles. When my son was born a coworker of mine who also shares a similar affection for the Beatles purchased me Beatles Lullabies for my baby shower gift. I played that cd while Max would fall asleep in my arms. I’d silently sing the words along with the lullabied version of their music. Then I switched to just listening to the regular Beatles songs with Max. We would lie in my bed at night and fall asleep to the sweet sound of Paul, John, George, and Ringo working harmoniously together. The lyrics to the songs always find a way to touch my heart or open my mind. To me they just are the best for so many reasons!

One post I made months ago is about the song “In my Life” and how I think that song ideally depicts the feelings I have about my son! Check it out if you get time. In My Life I Love You More

If you have never really gave the Beatles a listen I recommend you do. There is a song for everyone.

  

A is for Abortion

My friend Emily does the A-Z Challenge and since I have all but forgotten my blog I decided this might be an easy way to get back into it. So here we go….

A

I decided my A word would be abortion. Not because I want to initiate debates or tell the world my moral stance on the issue, simply because I want to share my experience.

I recently found out I am pregnant with my second child. Yay! (As I roll my eyes into the back of my head and sigh heavily) Don’t get me wrong the rolling of the eyes and the sigh have drastically decreased over the few weeks I have known (13 weeks and 6 days to be exact). However, this hasn’t been a pleasant surprise. Cue the back story….

I’m pregnant by the father of my son, him and I are about as stable as a contact on the tip of my finger in a tornado. We didn’t work out so well after we had my son but, my ridiculous obsession with love keeps me coming back time after time. He just isn’t mature and he is a runner. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I think he misunderstood that quote and took it literally….he gets going alright, to the point that he is gone! That is neither here nor there, just a slight back story to set the stage for my “A” word, abortion.

I stuck the stick underneath the stream that I had held the whole way home from Wal-Mart. Sure enough a pink positive sign faintly appeared within seconds. I wanted to cry. I stood staring down at the stick in my bathroom of the apartment I just rented. I sent a picture message of the dreaded stick to the father and was met with the reply of “what are you going to do?” For the first time in my life something that I thought I could never do crossed my mind as the only solution.  Fast forward a week or two…. I go to a friend’s house and breakdown. She isn’t judgmental, probably because she herself has had too many incidents where she could be judged and judged harshly on. This is the friend you go to when you know what you’re doing is wrong but, you know she won’t tell you otherwise. She is a listener and sometimes you just need someone to listen until you make the choice you need to make. Fast forward a week… we are driving to a city a hour away because I called and made an appointment with an abortion clinic. I can hardly speak and my throat feels tight and dry. Our GPS gets us to the street and I am praying that the protestors decided to stay home today. (I’m not so lucky) As we turn onto the street a large poster size sign sits boldly in the back of an old pickup truck. It’s the mutilated body of an infant, laying in a pool of blood. I turn my head but the picture is burned into my mind. We drive a little further as we near the building there is a crowd of protestors. On the sidewalk in the cold snow sits a child, he might be seven or eight and he is holding a sign that reads “God loves your baby”. The others around him are holding signs but surprisingly none that are harsh nothing like “murderer, baby killer” just sayings about God and choosing life. Perhaps with my background this is even harder to take in. I know this is against everything I stand for morally and yet here I sit in the passenger seat of my friends SUV pulling into a parking lot of a building I never thought I’d ever step foot in.

We pull into a space and a skinny girl probably early 20’s meets us at our car door. She is an escort for the clinic. She is in a neon green vest which compliments her tall combat boots. I know this girl; she is the one who probably stands up for women’s rights. Her friends are all the same and they get together and talk about girl power and maybe even burned a bra once or twice. She is nice and she makes small talk about the weather and points out how weird the protestors are and how it’s even more weird when they shout out prayers. I thought to myself it wouldn’t be weird to you if you knew why they were doing it and I do know why they are. I’m led to a waiting room where its only my friend and I and 3 other people. I expected there to be a few other people but, I didn’t expect the massive amounts of people who would start filing through the door. Hours passed and by the time they call my name I am in a crowded waiting room with 20 other people. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this, 20….. 20 girls….20 babies who will never see the sun…20 babies who will be in a red plastic bag labeled biohazard. I felt sick, very sick. I kept looking at every girl there and trying to create a story in my mind, justify their reason for them. One girl stuck out to me. She was a heavy set girl who looked to be my age or maybe a bit older. She was there with her husband. He sat there playing on his iphone and she sat there crying. She couldn’t stop crying. They looked well to do, they could afford a child, they were old enough, they were married so why is she here? Is something wrong with their child, perhaps an illness that was detected? They can’t fathom raising a child with a disability so they opted for this? Justified. My mind was racing and I just wanted to ask. Then in the corner was a young black couple, joking like they were in 5^th period study hall. The fact they were there didn’t faze them and perhaps the act that was going to happen wouldn’t faze them either. They looked so young, they were probably there without their parents knowledge. She probably was heading to a college this fall and he was probably doing the same thing, a child in a dorm room doesn’t work. Justified. Another black girl sat quietly in the rocking chair. She didn’t get on her phone, she didn’t look at the papers on the coffee table, she didn’t look away from the hall. She came alone, the guy she was pregnant by was probably in complete agreement and they probably didn’t speak anymore. She didn’t get on her phone because maybe she didn’t have one. So she probably couldn’t afford a baby or afford emotionally doing it alone. Justified. I started to think of my reasons. Because I have a son with this guy and he isn’t around…but I do fine without him. I just got promoted at work and my pay increased…money is there. As far as I know this baby is healthy and if it isn’t then so be it. I couldn’t justify any reason being here. I spoke with the counselor and scheduled the appointment for the procedure for the following week. I got into the car and began to sob. This isn’t me; this isn’t something I can do. No judgment to any of those who can or have. It’s a safer option than a back alley whack job. I just couldn’t live with that choice. I called that Monday and cancelled, turned around and called my OB.

I’m not proud of my actions or even that I allowed my doubt in myself to carry me as far to walk inside a clinic but, I am glad it happened. I am glad that when I hold my new baby in my arms that I will cry harder knowing what I possibly almost gave away to doubt and fear. I will know that I made the right choice by following my moral beliefs and doing what is right even though it means a harder road ahead. I told a friend recently of my pregnancy and he had this to say. “God has a plan for everyone and maybe right now the big picture is cloudy but, one day it will all make sense”. I believe that. I believe that maybe now and for a while things will be tough and I might spend some nights crying. I do know I will spend many nights adoring my children, I will spend days at the park watching them play, I will sit up nights worrying when they are sick. I will still be the mother I am today but to two wonderful lives that God wants on this Earth! So for all of this I have another “A” word, appreciation.

2013

I fell off the face of the blog world, I am sure no one noticed ha! A lot has been happening that has required more time to be spent away from my blog.

I got a new job! I like my new job. However, it is way more demanding than the previous and therefore I don’t get to spend an hour or two trolling Pinterest or blogging.

I started back to school. I was doing really well and towards the end of the semester I got a bit lazy. My grades should have been all A’s.  I’m a hair disappointed in myself but, I plan on really pushing myself all the way this time around. Online classes tend to not keep my interest. They are very convenient though and I need to do more to keep myself focused on completing and studying.

Love Life, still a bit shaky with a dash of questionable normalcy.

New Year’s Resolutions are silly to me. I never keep them and they always have to do with becoming a leaner, meaner me! Let’s face it Me….I don’t think you’re going to get back into those jeans from high school. Nothing about your body resembles anything from high school….so even if you make it smaller the packaging isn’t going to be as great. You’re a little bit stripey but, it works for Tigers and Zebras…so why not you? That was me talking to myself in case you didn’t get it.

Instead of trying to make myself smaller, I believe I want to make myself bigger. I want to make myself bigger in heart. I want to strive to be the best me that I can be. The best mother, daughter, friend, employee… I want to be good to myself as well. I want to be the best me! In order to do that I think one needs to do a bit of self-reflection.

 What am I doing now that I can do better?

As a mother I have plenty of room to be more involved. I come home and I am tired and I want to relax and love on my son but, when he wants me to sit and play cars….that is the last thing I feel like doing. It isn’t about me though. I need to spend time with my son because he isn’t going to be 2 forever. He isn’t going to want me to sit and play cars forever. I can’t miss out on these time due to my laziness.

As a daughter I need to be better about visiting my parents. I need to move out from my mom’s so I am able to be her daughter and not someone she is caring for. I need to make time to get to my dad’s and spend time with him.  I need to do the same about visiting my grandparents. I used to be there every day, now I am lucky if its 1 time a week.

As a sister I need to do more to let my siblings know I care about them. I need to take time to visit my sister and do fun things. Like dinner or go to the movies.

As a friend I need to let my friends know how much I appreciate them. How much they mean to me in my life. I need to do little things for them and visit them more. I would like to schedule once a month outings where we can just go out and carefree. I have always wanted to do this but it is hard.

As an employee I am so lazy ha. I hate getting up early. I am the girl who hits snooze 12 times and then panics and throws on clothes as she is running out the door. I am going to be 26 years old. It is time to make that shift to becoming a morning person. If I got up and took time I wouldn’t be rushing. I’d have time to do my hair pretty and put on nice clothes. The job I have now is serious and I need to be more serious about it. So I was late today but, starting Monday….I will make honest attempts at being a morning girl.

With myself this is the hardest. I am a people pleaser. I have gotten into the business of trying to make others happy regardless of my true feelings. A lot of times I don’t know my true feelings but, I think I do an okay of sorting them out. I want to be able to be honest and sort them out on my own time and via my own ways.

However, my biggest me improvement is to not be afraid. I am afraid of EVERYTHING. I am afraid to make choices and stick to them. I am afraid that if I stick to them what the outcome might be. I’m scared to go to my trip to Florida because I hate flying; I hate the idea of being away from my son. I harbor a lot of fear and I just need to be trusting!

Last but certainly not least. My relationship with Christ. I have fallen so far away that I know most of my fears and lack of trust have to stem from the fact I am not leaning on God to help me. I really would like to spend 2013 rebuilding that relationship….and truthfully building. I am not sure if there has really been a true relationship with God.

 

So here’s to a better me for 2013. May the odds ever be in my favor.

 

31 Days Through a Lens (Day 1)

Definition of PERMANENT

: Continuing or enduring without fundamental or marked change

Recently, I took a few photos of my friend getting a tattoo. I personally do not have any tattoos but, I appreciate the art. I wanted to join in on the 31 days of blogging and I haven’t been snapping a lot of pictures lately. I decided to do 31 Days Through a Lens. This way it will get me to blog and take pictures: )

I don’t know if I could get a tattoo because I don’t know if I could choose a picture or words I’d want permanently on my body. Then I thought to myself tattoos aren’t really permanent these days. There are ways (painful ways) to remove them. Then I asked myself is there anything in life that is permanent? So I looked up the definition of permanent and made the choice that there isn’t a lot in life that is.

Family.

Is family really permanent though? People are always changing and that includes the members of your family. Sure they are always there but, they don’t exist without change. Watching my son grow is proof of that. A family feud that has separated my aunt and grandparents is proof. You add people and you lose people. Family is not permanent.

Friends.

This was easy to answer. If my family can’t be considered permanent how could my friends be? I thought I would have my one friend forever. We recently had a falling out. I get on peoples nerves and they get on mine some days haha.

Change is always possible, even with something as permanent as a tattoo.

God.

The only thing that is permanent in our lives is God. How comforting knowing that there is one thing in our life that is steady, that is constant and is without marked change. The words in the Bible might be unique to the Bible you buy but, they always convey the same message. You can’t take away or change the fact that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.

Through the Lens I learned that although life doesn’t promise us permanence, God does! How lucky are we?

Baby Boy

It's a boy!

Today my sister found out that she is going to have a little boy! This will be the 2^nd grandchild in our family so I think secretly everyone was a bit hopeful for a girl. However, how exciting for Max to grow up with his cousin and all the fun stuff they can share as boys!

Growing up we lived next to our aunt and her two boys. We all were very close and spent our summers outside together. We created our own baseball team and even made shirts. We played Power Rangers and mighty morphed all summer long. In the pool we played Sea World and mermaids. My best summer memories were the ones I made with my cousins.

My sister is having a child with my best friend’s brother-in-law. My best friend has a son 3 weeks younger than Max. So this means there will be 3 little boys to watch run around and cause trouble ha! Although it would be fun to dress up a little girl and have someone to buy Barbie’s for, it’s very exciting thinking of all the fun these 3 will have!

I couldn’t be happier! Plus I get to finally don the title Aunt! I’ve always wanted to be called Aunt Jessilyn and now I will be!

I Just Have to Go

In the past I have mentioned the split between my son’s father and I. It has been something that I struggle with everyday. Some days are better than others but, everyday he crosses my mind. Admitting that and seeing it in print kind of makes me gag! It is the truth though, the sad truth. How can someone so wrong for me and my son cause me such grief? I should be jumping up and down on my bed and celebrating that someone of his kind does not want to be a part of my life. Instead, I relapsed. I like to refer to my relationship with him in terms of addiction. A drug addict knows that the drug of their choice isn’t good for them. The drug harms their body, their mind, their entire life (family, friends, children, and job). My drug of choice is a man or lack of one that he is. I have never publicly ridiculed him this much but, I am to the point of no return with my hurt and anger. I don’t want to be angry anymore and I definitely don’t want to be hurt. Secretly, more than anything what I do want is for him to change. That hasn’t happened and probably won’t, at least for me. Maybe down the road he will change for himself or for some girl but, not for me. I think this is the part that I cling to. The “what if” that the future holds. What if he changes, what if he becomes the husband I want or the dad his son needs? I worked so hard, I put in the time, I am the one who was stepped on, and shouldn’t I reap the benefits? He doesn’t want me! He doesn’t want that life! He wants multiple women to hang on his every word; he wants the bar and the circle of people to laugh at his jokes. He doesn’t want me!

When I said I relapsed, I did. I consumed my drug and I had my temporary high and now I’m coming down. I ran into him the other weekend. I was having a great night and he showed up to the same establishment, alone! He lives with another woman now, and he was meeting a different woman there. We ran into one another at the jukebox and he started in with his same old stuff. He jokes with me and makes me laugh. He asked if I missed him. I stay strong, I try to be nice. I try to control my addiction, I try to walk away. My feet are glued to the floor with hope. Hopefully, tonight he realizes he is wrong and wants to come home. He mentions how cute our son is, how we make a beautiful baby. How he has been thinking that if he never moves on that we should have another child. I got a taste of my drug and I wanted the whole high. I wanted to sink so far back into those feelings and have it be real. We walked to the next room so we could speak alone. (Much to the dismay of the other girl waiting for him at the bar) We catch up more and the lies roll so sweetly off his tongue that walking away now is impossible. I want him, I want him to know how much I love him, and I want him to know how badly I want him in my life. He kisses me! I cried. I broke down and I cried. This man who a few months earlier blackened my eye was now wiping my tears away. This man was kissing the same lips he made bleed. I don’t fear him and I should, I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to hear him sing regrets. He did and he made me believe every single one of them but they are lies. We spent the rest of the evening together. We laughed and kissed and I stayed high and hopeful. I was dropped off and I went to bed hoping in the morning he would feel the same way.

His parents and he are taking Max to the train museum. He text me to tell me they are on their way. He sends pictures and is kind. Then he goes home to the other girl and doesn’t try to speak to me. She must have fell asleep early, so he text me at 10 to say sweet dreams. I smile, I text back. He text me feverishly while he is working, asking for pictures of me and telling me what I want to hear. 3:00 rolls around and he is silent again. This is where reality sinks in and starts to hurt. So I get brave and ask what Saturday meant to him….he responds wanting to know what it meant to me. He is very good at leaving doors open. I tell him all my hopes and desires like a teenager who just fell in love. He doesn’t respond. Finally, later in the night he tells me he is confused. He doesn’t know what he wants. That just means…he doesn’t want me! The sooner I realize that, the better off I will be.

Read this blog, she has inspired me this morning and I thank her.

Why We Have to Go

I will go on the plane to Florida even though it scares me.

I will go to school until I finish my degree.

I will go to see the beauties the world has to offer with my son.

I will go out on my own and make my way.

I just have to go.

A Love Story

A story I love to share.

Recently I read a blog about an old high school sweater that belonged to a loved one that passed away. If you want to check it out you can find it here A Collection Of This And That. I loved the sweater and I loved the story behind it. Dayle mentioned she likes to think of all the good memories her loved one had in that sweater. It got me thinking about the memories I ask my grandparents to share with me. I love asking them to tell me stories from their youth. I treasure those stories just as much as I treasure the stories on my bookshelves.

My favorite story ever is how my Grandparents met. They have a Storybook Romance.

My Grandpa just finished college at Ohio Northern and had lined up an interview for a teaching position in Kalida, Ohio. When mapping out his trip he made an error and mapped his trip to Clyde, Ohio. (they sound similar) He drove all the way to Clyde and showed up on time for his interview only to be told that he was at the wrong school and worse the wrong town. Haha! Fortunately, Clyde just happened to have an opening for a Health & Physical Education teacher. My Grandpa interviewed and he got the job.

Meanwhile, my Grandma who is from a large family (she has 10 other siblings) was working as a waitress at the local diner, Bechlers. Next to the restaurant and still stands today is the Winesburg Inn. Grandpa stayed there while searching for a place to live.

Grandpa would go into Bechlers and eat dinner and Grandma would wait on him. My Grandpa always laughs because he said my Grandma would put her hand on his shoulder to ask if everything was okay with his meal. (she always blushes and denies this accusation my Grandpa makes) Finally, Grandpa asked Grandma on a date and they only dated a whopping 3 months. My Grandpa popped the question in the car one night when he was dropping her off from a date.

My Grandparents are still happily married today! I asked my Grandma how she knew Grandpa was the one and she answered very matter of fact “I sat in the middle of the bench seat right next to him in the car, I never felt comfortable to do that with anyone” haha!

Their love story is my favorite story to hear and tell.

I originally was going to end the blog there but, I felt necessary to explain to the world how much I love my Grandparents! My Grandparents are the glue that binds my whole family. They had 3 kids. Robert, Paul (my dad), and Ann and of course they all had children. I am the oldest grandchild of 11. We spend every Sunday at my Grandparents house. It makes for a loud house full of laughter and multiple people talking at once. However, throughout the week it isn’t uncommon for any of us to stop over on multiple occasions to visit for an hour or two. When I go there one of my cousins are usually there too. Especially now that some of the younger ones are able to drive. Then sometimes my cousins and I all get together and plan a surprise visit. They stay up and watch the 11:00 o’clock news so a few months ago we all drove over at 10:00 and surprised them! They loved it! We stayed till about midnight and even then my Grandma was saying “you kids don’t have to rush out, we stay up pretty late.” My Grandparents are the ones who introduced me to God. They are the ones who taught me that it is okay to laugh at myself when I make a mistake. They are my biggest supporters. Even now typing this out I get teary eyed just because I love them that much! I am so incredibly lucky to have them in my life.

When I was little I was kind of scared of my Great Grandparents. I didn’t see them often and my one Great Grandma had her leg amputated so for a 6 year old that was a bit much ha. I didn’t want my son to be like that around my Grandparents. He isn’t! He is obsessed with them haha probably just as much as I am. When we pull into their house he squeals and bounces in his seat. They adore my son (at times I think they want to see him more than they want to see me and I get jealous haha).  I just can’t stress how much I love those two people! If you have Grandparents or older relatives, take the time to ask them stories from when they were younger! You never know what great story they might have to share!

 

Jessilyn

My Grandparents and I when I was blonde and pregnant ha.

Christmas caroling when my brother was home from the Marines.

Elsie & Ralph

Grandpie and Max in the garden

Wonderful Weekend

Cupcake Wine.

I had a lovely weekend. A weekend full of fun and people I love the most. I am thankful for this past weekend.

Friday I attended our local high school football game. It was one of the big games. We played our rival, The Redman…grr * insert angry football face here. Sadly, we lost! I used to cheer in high school so watching the game brought back a lot of fun memories. I even got some goose bumps when the band started playing our fight song. I took Max and he seemed to like it as well. However, once the clock started winding down in the fourth quarter so did his patience for sitting in the stands. I went with my close friend and we sat with my grandparents. It ended up storming that night so I fell asleep to the sound of a hard rain.





 Saturday morning Max slept in which is rare. I took full advantage and curled back up under my covers until I heard the familiar “mom, MOM, mom”. My friend Kate invited Max and I to breakfast so after a pit stop to the potty to brush our teeth, Max and I were out the door. (jammys still on) Kate made pancakes and had fresh peaches which really hit the spot. I can’t resist a juicy peach! The sun finally peaked through and it was cool, sunny, and a perfect day for the zoo! We got the kids around and took off for Toledo. It was a perfect day at the zoo. The animals were very active and Max loved the Tigers. The one was quite active, chasing around a bird in his enclosure. The rest of the day Max would have a random Tiger outburst “arrggg…. (complete with a claw gesture).

Kate being silly and Max looking so handsome!



Look at my happy man!

After the zoo….I hit a wall on the “good day train”. We went to good ole Bobby Evans. Max was sleepy and was not in the sitting and eating quietly mood. Bob Evans in my town is comparable to a nursing home. So I suffered many stares from the geriatrics section of the restaurant. I decided I would no longer ruin others meal with my screaming child. I asked Kate to box up our meal and we would be in the car. After a few minutes of calm down for Max I let my hunger overcome my fear of the stares and walked back in to attempt to finish my meal. I sat Max down and he started picking at his food. I picked up my sandwich to take a bite and low and behold a big, black hair was intricately weaved into my burger. Vomit! I was done.  

We got home and Max fell asleep, it was a long day and he was pooped. I too had a long day and emotionally I have been a bit frazzled due to some recent news and yet another bout of rejection. (I just can’t win when it comes to my dating life) I grabbed a bottle of wine and went for a good session of Whining over Wine. I am truly thankful for my friend Emily. She has patient ears. I always whine over the same stuff and she continues to listen. I hope someday I can do the same for her. I think my whine session was helpful, I feel a lot better and a lot more productive. Sometimes you just need a good friend and a glass of wine. Plus it was a gorgeous night. The air was cool and we were in our sweats and hoodies out on her patio. I went home with a smile in my heart.



Cupcake

I follow some blogs that I look at and think “man these people are perfect.” They have a great hubby, a beautiful home, a sense of style and a knack for décor. I usually sign off with such envious thoughts. Today I told myself….”You’ll be there someday”. I truly think I will be. So my weekend was lovely and I am thankful in so many ways.

Jessilyn