Here is a mental picture for you; I am in a snow globe that is being held by a 3 yr old. He is shaking it around violently and the styrofoam snow is going up my nose and in my eyes. He slams it on the floor and I’m laying there on my side as the snow starts to settle around me. I finally have time to think, if I rock hard enough maybe this globe will stand right side up. If I rock too hard maybe I’ll cause it to roll and I’ll end up rolling down the stairs and causing more of a headache. Maybe someone will come and fix me and put me back on the shelf where I need to be…
I have grown up witnessing normalcy and dysfunction. I don’t blame my past for the choices I have made in my life but, I wish I had answers as to why I am a habitual mistake maker.
I recently had a domestic violence issue in my home. It’s not that I didn’t think things were getting out of hand, they were! I just didn’t think they would ever go to the extremes that they did. Today my boyfriend is going to jail. I’m hurt. I’m happy. I’m confused. I want to hate him, I want to be so mad that he hit me but I’m mad at myself. Hindsight is always 20/20 and ever since this has happened that is all anyone can tell me. I wish I could’ve done something different, I wish I would’ve stayed home that night and maybe I’d still be in my silent misery instead of being alone and exposed. I can’t get my heart to listen to my head and my head clearly must think my heart belongs in a padded room. I’m mad that he hit me because now there is no room for “I’ll change, lets work this out”. I was able to swallow everything he threw my way; the cheating and lying, staying out late and the drinking. I swallowed it all because it seemed easier than being alone. Even typing this out now I look at how weak I am as a person. I have so much to be thankful for and a support system that is stronger than most. I have every reason to stand tall and walk forward without looking back and I am trying to do that. That is why I compared my life to the snow globe. I’ve been shook and turned upside down, I’m stuck in this ball and everyone can look in. I’m alone now and I’m trying to figure out how to get my life going in the direction I need it to without breaking.
Just needed to vent.