Friday, June 29, 2012

Footloose & Fancy Free 4th of July

Footloose & Fancy Free Fridays.

I decided since I do a lot of venting through the week I should set Fridays aside for something more lighthearted. Fun memories, fun plans…anything funny or fun!

Let the 4th of July festivities begin!

Sunday evening my hometown will be shooting off fireworks. They usually put on a good show for a small town. I love fireworks and I always have a good 4th of July because my Aunt has a huge party every year. We have tons of family who come in from out of town and it is so nice seeing all my cousins! I decided to invite the Farmer who happens to have his daughter this weekend : ) so hopefully they enjoy themselves!

I think there is something magical about the 4th of July. Sitting on a blanket surrounded by family and friends and for a few minutes everyone is at a calm enjoying the same thing and doing it together. When I was little I loved when collectively we would say “ooo” and then “ahh” to each firework.

 I still love sparklers, they are pretty and fun and it is the one time that it’s okay to run around with a stick on fire! Haha!

Grilled Hotdogs! I think hotdogs are gross but, throw them on the grill and how can you resist? I think I could enter a hotdog eating contest and win as long as they were grilled.

Family. Friends. Fireworks. Sparklers. Grilled dogs.
I know my Sunday will be enjoyable!

Does anyone else go all out for the 4th of July?
If you do or you don’t, take time to enjoy the day regardless. I know I think of the 4th as one giant BBQ but, truthfully how blessed are we to live in a land that is free?
Have a safe and fun holiday!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Worrying Fans


A favorite Bible verse of mine is Philippians 4:6-7

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I love that in the good word God gives us the option to let go of worry. Instead of worrying give your worries to God and allow him to bear the load. This is much easier said than done though. It is nice to know that I can pray and I can hand my problems to God but, trusting is the hard part.

Recently, my son has developed a limp. Back in May on Mother’s Day my grandma made mention of it and I chalked it up as him playing in the grass and the ground was uneven. On Father’s Day ironically enough my other grandma asked me if I thought Max was limping, this time though he was in the living room. After watching him closely I could now see the slight limp that was obvious to my grandmothers. Since that day the limp seems to be getting worse. Last Saturday when he got out of bed he couldn’t stand on it and almost fell and continued to limp. I took him to the hospital in hopes that maybe they would be able to explain this limp. They did x-rays and those all came out great. They can’t explain his limp and suggested I follow up with my Dr. to see if they would like to send him to get more test.

More test… this is where I swallow hard and try not to throw up or cry. When my son was born he was big and healthy. He immediately held his head up and I was a proud momma. I have a strong guy! Now seeing my little bug limp: ( I just want to hold him and never put him down. I noticed he is tripping a lot more as well. Of course the internet is full of the worst case scenario but, being the worry wart I am that is all I can focus on.  I want answers or I want it to go away. My friend has a son who was born with a heart problem. He has had multiple surgeries; life flighted, the whole 9 yards. I always think to myself “I couldn’t imagine being her.” Not that my son is ill but the worry I have now has to be her life non-stop and I still keep thinking “I couldn’t imagine being her.”  I don’t want this to be a symptom of an underlying problem. Our town currently has a stigma of have a cancer cluster, I don’t want that to be it. I don’t want a brain problem or anything. I just want my son to be healthy always. The sniffles…a cough…a slight fever…I can deal with that. An unexplained limp that keeps getting worse…I can’t handle that. So I will try to give my worry to God but I know I will worry myself sick until I have an answer.

Needless to say I find myself wanting God when a storm comes. I am too self-absorbed to remember prayer every night when life is good and I am too tired to wake up on Sunday morning when I just had a blast out the night before. Now I’m worried and I am fearful and now I want God to help. I want to give my worry to God to find peace. Although I know my God doesn’t stop loving me it’s obvious to me that I am more of a fan of Jesus Christ than a follower. I need to be a follower.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Dating & Band-Aids

As suggested by my counselor I should try “dating”. Accepting dates from multiple people in hopes that I will learn about them as well as myself. The goal being that by doing so I will learn what type of characteristics I like and want in a future husband.

The past few years have been rocky in the Love Department. I was married at 19 and separated by 21. Had a boyfriend and then another and finally divorced at 24. Crazy. Embarrassing. Learning experience.

I now am single and have done as Patti suggested. I am getting to know a few people. There is a farmer, a funny ghetto fabulous father and a college student.

It’s stressful.

My emotions still aren’t really clear to me. It has been some time since I have been with Max’s dad. Our relationship was never good from the start although it had good moments. I hold onto those moments as one might hold onto an old, rusty family heirloom. You don’t display it for everyone to see because it’s ugly. It’s stored up in your attic in a box with other junk but, from time to time when you’re digging through that box you see it and you smile because you know what it means to you. Those moments between us were rare but they existed and I wanted more than anything in the world for a day to come when the good outweighed the bad. Unfortunately, that day never came and I learned the hard way that I was in love with an idea, a hope, a dream, and not a man. I’m a lot better now and my bitterness and sadness has almost washed away. That scares me though. He isn’t a good man and I almost feel like I need to hold onto those feelings in order to not let myself get caught up in hoping for that dream. With that being said it has been a lot easier to move forward when you’re looking forward to being with someone new. Dating has definitely given me that push to keep my head up but, not so high that I’m back in the clouds.


My friend and I had a conversation that really hit home with me one night. She was discussing one of her sisters break ups and how her ex managed to meet a girl soon after who took on the traits that her sister possessed in the relationship. He didn’t work through the break up but rather put a Band-Aid on it. As I look at my marriage, I was unhappy and unable to effectively get that across to my husband. I found someone who I thought made it better and I allowed him to be my Band-Aid. A Band-Aid doesn’t heal wounds they cover them up and even though I had my shiny new Band-Aid, I still hurt. So I ended that and I decided that I wanted to be crazy and wild and explore my youth. That led me to meeting my sons’ father. I wasn’t happy being crazy so I allowed myself to fall for him even though I still was hurting from a failed marriage and a failed relationship. Through out everything I kept putting Band-Aids on my heart and I truly don’t think I am over any relationship I was in. How much time does one person need to heal? I regret leaving my husband because I didn’t try hard to fix it. I regret not trying harder to fix the relationship that Max’s dad and I had. Is there going to be a time where I can listen to the Beatles and not think of my ex-husband? Is there going to be a day that I won’t watch my son do something new and feel that pang of pain in my heart wishing his dad was here with me to enjoy this moment as a family? I want to move on and I want to date and I want to be happy. I think I am beginning to heal I just don’t think I’m there yet.

I do know one thing for sure. The farmer, I like him a lot and I get a different feeling with him than any other guy I have talked to in a long time. He isn’t like me in the sense that he is a farmer and very just “this is who I am”. He laughs at how complicated I am and how much I tend to over think. It’s nice to have someone who just can help me take a step back and relax a bit.  I like that about him. I just don’t want him to be another Band-Aid though. So I’m taking it slow and seeing where it goes I guess…hopefully with time and a bit of good fortune this might turn out to be something better than a Band-Aid.

On the Farm.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Winning Lotto Ticket Please?

Irresponsibly Spending.

Talk about Stress City, I have a tendency to irresponsibly spend money, which along with my other bad habits (biting my nails, picking my split ends, and forgetting to floss daily.) this ranks as the worse. I just need to vent on my own stupidity. I carelessly place wants before needs and justify it by turning my want into a reasonable need in my own mind. This month I decided without consulting my landlord or lease agreement that I had paid my 1st and last month rent so therefore rent this month was not due. I was wrong! Should’ve checked up on that one……might have been the smart thing to do! I never claimed to be smart though :) Instead of saving up I spent and truthfully I do not know on what…I have nothing to show, I didn’t get new clothes or sneakers. I didn’t buy a ton of groceries and I didn’t hit the town buying a ton of food and drinks. So it leads me to believe that this was theft…someone broke into my purse at night and spent money on useless items that I can’t explain on my bank statement.

I need someone to budget for me. Only a few more weeks and I will safely be returning to my mothers nest. Starting school and losing my boyfriend (although he didn’t contribute much) has been a real burden on my pocket book. You take peoples kindness for granted. For example, my ex’s parents bought diapers usually for our son. They have a membership to Sam’s and when they would go they picked up the huge box of diapers and the huge thing of wipes. When they didn’t do this…Daddy of the Year would. So he would drop a few extra bucks from his large pay check and we would be set on diapers for awhile. This act of generosity allowed him to skip on helping with anything else because he bought in his mind 200 dollars worth of diapers. (Ha) Now that they have left the picture it’s on my shoulders to foot this bill. Diapers are expensive and since I do not have a membership at Sam’s I’m buying them more frequently. At this point I need to borrow a diaper to place under my eyes to soak up my tears. I’m tired of being broke and I’m tired of not being able to provide for myself. So today I have been on my “can I please borrow” kick. I hit up every available option, my mom, grandma, cousin who is in stinking high school! I need to pay my rent and my electric; I need to pay my phone which I stupidly racked up a huge bill for not paying attention to my texting habit to friends without Verizon! This all sounds like a personal problem…and it is! This is my fault. If I would’ve saved correctly I would have the money I need and not be asking for help. I am looking forward to moving back in with my mom. I can save money and I intend on doing so. I am extremely tired of being broke and irresponsible. I am 25 and a mom, I believe it is time to grow up! Money is a stressor for a lot of people…not just 25 year old single mothers. I have friends who hurt, family members who hurt and I know there are lines and lines at the county health department of people seeking help. I just know that if I were to be smarter with my choices that I would not be hurting as bad as I do. This upsets me that it is my fault and even writing this out infuriates me. So from here on out I vow to be much better with my spending habits.

Usually when I am hurting for money my thoughts turn to the lottery. How thrilling to win the lottery? I always have these “What would I spend my money on?” conversations with myself in my head. So I decided to have one with all my many followers (Ha) out loud.

You just won the lottery now what?

  • -         I would secretly collect my winnings.
  • -         I’d hire someone to help me manage my money.
  • -         I would deposit a large amount of money anonymously into my parents & grandparents accounts. (I would love my grandma to get her bank statement and panic thinking there was a mistake only to be told that someone generously made a large deposit.)
  • -         After surprising my family members I would then let everyone know that I did win.
  • -         I would take my close girlfriends and family members on a trip to New York to splurge a bit on clothes.
  • -         I’d send my parents on a vacation as well as my grandparents.
  • -         I’d donate money to my siblings.
  • -         Then I’d buy a huge piece of land and proceed to build homes for my family members and close friends. Not mansions or anything but reasonable homes. (I’d call our subdivision something silly to do with trees since Emily and her father made notice that most subdivision affectionately posses some goofy name dealing with nature. So perhaps our subdivision would be “While My Willow Gently Weeps” to pay homage to the Beatles. That made me giggle out loud)
  • -         After my huge build, I’d take it easy. No use in spending millions irresponsibly like I do with my pennies.
  • -         Perhaps I’d start a restaurant here in town. Ralph & Elsie’s after my grandparents. Serve up some good home cooking to the public. Complete with my grandma’s recipe for home fries. Yum!
  • -         I’d also make sure that my family and my son and his future offspring were well taken care of. Shoot the Powerball is 240 million right now. With all that money this all seems possible.

Truth be told I have a better chance at getting struck by lightening, and the way I’ve been living my life…I’m banking on the lightening before the lotto. Either way it is fun to dream about winning big. Who doesn’t when the lotto gets this high?

Friday, June 8, 2012

Best Day of My Life

I started my job back in January and the same man comes every Friday to pick up our rugs. He is an African American man with kind eyes and a beautiful smile. Looking at him makes you want to smile because he looks so happy. Every Friday he asks the same quick question “How are you today Jess?” I always answer with usual polite response….good….fine…okay…. and then return the favor “How are you?” Everytime he answers with a big smile “The best day of my life.” When he leaves I feel warm and happy inside. I told him today that I appreciate his answer because it is so positive. He then explained that 12 years ago he heard someone say that and was inspired by it and decided to use it as his own.

This small positive statement truly says a lot. We will never get yesterday back and tomorrow is not promised to us. For all we know today is all we have. I can worry and stress over my past and think of ways I could have done things differently but, it will never change. I can fret and plan for the future but, I don’t know how much time I really have ahead of me. I have friends and family who love me dearly. They call me to see how I’m doing, they stop over to split a bottle of wine and discuss life. I have friends who are miles away and take time out of their day to listen to me vent or will call because they want my advice. I have a huge family who looks out for me and prays for me. I have a son who is the apple of my eye. I get to wake him up in the morning when we are ready to leave and I get to see that sleepy grin that I love so much. I have all these things and I have them today! Today really is the best day of my life!  

With that being said I understand it isn’t realistic to not have any worry in the world. I am probably the best worry wart out there. However, when you feel yourself swimming in worry, regret, doubt, anxiety just remember today is all you have for sure. Do you really want to spend it worrying? Go outside and look at the sky with your kids. Kiss your husband a little longer when he gets home from work. Watch your child sleep for a few minutes before you rush off to bed. Call up family members just to tell them you love them! Take time to enjoy today and make everyday the best day of your life.