Tuesday, April 9, 2013

G is for genuine.

G is for genuine.
It is rare to find genuine people out in this world today. You find yourself surrounded by friends, family, and co-workers and out of those people only a handful might actually be genuine and nice. It is a sad reality that many people just don’t care and only care about their own lives and what’s happening to them.
Today I want to share with you how lucky I am to know the lady I work with. She is kind hearted and above anything else she is real. When I first came to my new job I was nervous because I hadn’t heard the greatest stories of my new boss. I walked into our warehouse and there behind a desk sat a petite woman with the most welcoming smile. Instantly I felt at ease and I knew that she was someone I liked. Through the months I was lucky enough to occasionally share an office with her and get to know her more. It turns out that this woman loved the same kind of music that I did. We both share a love for Radiohead and it is rare to find someone who likes Radiohead and even more rare to find someone in her age group who likes them. She instantly at that moment became my favorite person at work. After that I opened up to her about my life and she let me in on a few of her personal stories as well. I’ve cried to her and she has opened her arms and hugged me as if I was one of her own children. She too has cried in front of me. We laugh at how if someone walked in and saw us they wouldn’t know what to think.  She gives me advice and support when I need it the most whether it’s about work or my life. I have good friends who I love dearly and they do the same for me as well and I love that I found someone new I can add to that list.
I know that this lady reads my blog from time to time, so Jan thanks for being you! You make my work life and personal life brighter.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Excellent Fun

Excellent Fun
I missed Sunday but for good reason. I was quite busy on Sunday. We took Max to the African Safari Wildlife Park, which is a drive thru park where animals, large animals come to your car and eat. It started out well enough with the llamas. Max was okay with them and was able to hold a carrot with my supportive hand and fed them. We moved right along to the Longhorn Cows, these ones made me a little nervous as their large horns tapped at the windshield. I think Max could sense my fear a little bit and he moved to the center of the car away from the window. Last we came to the extremely large buffalo. We had one on each side of the car and they forced their massive heads as far into the window as possible. This for sure made me nervous and Max started crying!! I’m sure if they felt overwhelmingly large to me, they had to be very scary to him. We slowly drove away and they got the point we were moving and walked on to the car behind us. All in all I think Max enjoyed himself so that was good.
After the safari we took about a hour nap which was nice because I hardly get the chance to nap when he is. After our nap we went to visit my grandparents and we went along with them to DQ. Sundays weather was beautiful, it was probably the warmest day we have had. I am getting very tired of the cold weather so it was a welcomed change.
Today is Monday and it is time to get back at it. Back to work, back to day to day Mon-Fri. Hopefully today marks my starting point of healthier choices seeing as I allowed myself to indulge this weekend. Goodbye world of fried food and deliciousness. I will miss you but hopefully not too much!
This weekend was full of excellent weather and fun!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

D is for Discover


I'm doing this from my phone so excuse any errors.

I was going to do dependable for my "D" word today but decided that wasn't the point I wanted to make with me story.

As some readers may know I am pregnant by a man that I have not been able to depend on in my life. A let down is the only dependable act he can create. For the past couple weeks our situation was getting better. I was falling deeper in love with hope. Then the weekend comes and I'm snapped back into reality. Then he follows up on Sunday with an apologetic new outlook and time and time again I allow him a second, third, by now I'd suppose we are on the 187th chance. Shame on me and no one else. This week was wonderful, he was coming over and we spent a lot of nights cuddled on the couch and really had a good time. We made each other laugh, he would rub my belly in the morning, I had a headache and he quietly played with my hair while we watched Willy Wonka. It is my ideal setting of a grown up relationship that he as a 27yr old should be able to provide. Friday rolls around and during the day my hopes are high but slowly began to dwindle. As you see I'm a Monday through Thursday girl, weekends are reserved for him and whatever bar or friend is most appealing that night. He drops off the text messaging world. I know why, if he isn't available to text he knows I get upset, if I'm upset he has a reason as to why he wasn't texting me. Hence his reason for seeing friends because "why would I want to be around you if you're mad at me"? I know the game because its been the same way for years now between us. I send a last text of "you're a real jerk" I know, real mature wording. It's all I had at the time though. No response.... Hours pass... No response. I fall asleep with my son on the couch. I wake up at 1:30 a.m. and shut off the tv and take us to bed. I check my phone only to be let down with again no response.  The shrill tone of an "old telephone" that I've selected as my ringtone disturbs my sleep. I open one eye to look at this caller, an unknown number. Odd but I answer. The familiar, quiet, rough, voice says "what are you doing?" Oh let's see 2:00 a.m. well I just finished a load of laundry, finishing up a roast, and possibly going to start a game of Go Fish with my neighbor... What do you mean what am I doing, like every other normal adult mother, I'm sleeping! I don't say any of this, I just quietly say "I'm sleeping." He then says "is your door open" in which I respond where have you been? "Well after work I stopped at Legends (our local watering hole for the young and worthless) and then I went to Kyles house. His brothers bringing me out now" he is where my "D" word finally shows face. I asked if he was close, he isn't used to any other response than yes. "Why should I not come over?" Then I lay into him with my hurt. "No I don't think it's a good idea, you couldn't talk to me all night, you couldn't tell me your plans you just ignore me, you think this is acceptable, well it's not in fact it's disrespectful. So no I don't think it's good you come here." I am meant with silence and then a "fine Ill go home" I hang up without saying goodbye. I discovered for the first time that I am fully capable of demanding respect. It is disrespectful and by me allowing him to just come in after a night like that does nothing but show weakness and weak I am not. I love him and I want him to change and I fear that will never happen. That I will discover with time. I laid in bed feeling triumphet, I was proud of myself. It hurt in a way because I did want him there. I wanted to tell him in person how it upset me but it wouldve been the same stuff over and over.

I realized this morning I need to spend more time discovering myself and other things. I need to be brave and venture into areas of my life that up until now Ive left undiscovered. I need to work on my personal strength and my realization that I am worth respect. I need to discover my true relationship with God by allowing myself not to fear the walk. It may not be something I'm used to but I think walking the right way in life is Gods way of demanding respect. He sent his child to die for my sins, the many sins I have committed and still I choose to live this half-hearted lifestyle with God. I treat God the way Dustin treats me. As a convienence, as a place of refuge after a period of taking care of my own wants and desires. I'm not saying that I am jumping off the deep end and really making this huge change. Any big and lasting change takes time and effort. One that lately has really made itself known. I need to make more of an effort to discover my true potential and purpose that the good word says God has for everyone. So here's to the "D" word discover. May you all discover something great this year. Whether it be something in yourself or a nice little restaurant around the corner that you never knew about. Discovering anything can be fun in itself and I hope this journey to my own discovery leads me to the happiness I so longingly desire.

Happy Saturday friends, I'm off to make French Toast for Max and I.

Friday, April 5, 2013

C is for Caption

Today for my “C” word I chose caption. You have seen them on countless photos I am sure. So my post will consist of nothing but photos with captions. Enjoy! Happy Friday by the way!

One of my favorite pictures down by the river.

The Cow out front of my grandparents house that we all have been on for a picture. Max's turn!

Heaven is all around us. Beautiful church in town!

I can't even remember him being this small *tear. The day we took him home.

My favorite Florence and The Machine shot of the night.

Watching a friend get inked up. Ouch!

Not ready for this look again haha.

My Easter Babies. Max and my nephew Bo.

Halloween costume while pregnant. Always good for a laugh.

A friends boot. I feel like it needs a caption about reflection or something deep. I love this photo.

My favorite vampire. Forget Twilight.

Max's first Christmas!

How does this picture not make you smile. He made an enterance that night! Best ring bearer ever!

Last nights dinner, Strawberry & spinach salad with a goat cheese fritter. Yum!

Nothing more relaxing than a sleeping baby.

My blue eyed guy hunting for Easter Eggs.

Sunsets out my back window are the best.

The happiness that candy in a plastic egg brings. Each one he opened got the same reaction. The best!

Thursday, April 4, 2013

B for the Beatles

I decided my “B” word today would be Beatles.

To me there is no greater band out there in the world of music. Some people consider them over rated or not that great but; to me they are the cat’s meow.
I think I like the Beatles so much because I share a love for them with many friends and family members. Some of my favorite memories are listening to The One cd in the car on our way to the mall with my family. My mom really enjoys the Beatles so she introduced them to me at a young age. Now that I am older my love for the band has deepened. My close friend Emily had Beatles Rockband and we spent many nights at her house sharing a bottle of wine and a gaming microphone singing our hearts out with the Beatles. When my son was born a coworker of mine who also shares a similar affection for the Beatles purchased me Beatles Lullabies for my baby shower gift. I played that cd while Max would fall asleep in my arms. I’d silently sing the words along with the lullabied version of their music. Then I switched to just listening to the regular Beatles songs with Max. We would lie in my bed at night and fall asleep to the sweet sound of Paul, John, George, and Ringo working harmoniously together. The lyrics to the songs always find a way to touch my heart or open my mind. To me they just are the best for so many reasons!
One post I made months ago is about the song “In my Life” and how I think that song ideally depicts the feelings I have about my son! Check it out if you get time. In My Life I Love You More
If you have never really gave the Beatles a listen I recommend you do. There is a song for everyone.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A is for Abortion

My friend Emily does the A-Z Challenge and since I have all but forgotten my blog I decided this might be an easy way to get back into it. So here we go….
I decided my A word would be abortion. Not because I want to initiate debates or tell the world my moral stance on the issue, simply because I want to share my experience.
I recently found out I am pregnant with my second child. Yay! (As I roll my eyes into the back of my head and sigh heavily) Don’t get me wrong the rolling of the eyes and the sigh have drastically decreased over the few weeks I have known (13 weeks and 6 days to be exact). However, this hasn’t been a pleasant surprise. Cue the back story….
I’m pregnant by the father of my son, him and I are about as stable as a contact on the tip of my finger in a tornado. We didn’t work out so well after we had my son but, my ridiculous obsession with love keeps me coming back time after time. He just isn’t mature and he is a runner. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I think he misunderstood that quote and took it literally….he gets going alright, to the point that he is gone! That is neither here nor there, just a slight back story to set the stage for my “A” word, abortion.
I stuck the stick underneath the stream that I had held the whole way home from Wal-Mart. Sure enough a pink positive sign faintly appeared within seconds. I wanted to cry. I stood staring down at the stick in my bathroom of the apartment I just rented. I sent a picture message of the dreaded stick to the father and was met with the reply of “what are you going to do?” For the first time in my life something that I thought I could never do crossed my mind as the only solution.  Fast forward a week or two…. I go to a friend’s house and breakdown. She isn’t judgmental, probably because she herself has had too many incidents where she could be judged and judged harshly on. This is the friend you go to when you know what you’re doing is wrong but, you know she won’t tell you otherwise. She is a listener and sometimes you just need someone to listen until you make the choice you need to make. Fast forward a week… we are driving to a city a hour away because I called and made an appointment with an abortion clinic. I can hardly speak and my throat feels tight and dry. Our GPS gets us to the street and I am praying that the protestors decided to stay home today. (I’m not so lucky) As we turn onto the street a large poster size sign sits boldly in the back of an old pickup truck. It’s the mutilated body of an infant, laying in a pool of blood. I turn my head but the picture is burned into my mind. We drive a little further as we near the building there is a crowd of protestors. On the sidewalk in the cold snow sits a child, he might be seven or eight and he is holding a sign that reads “God loves your baby”. The others around him are holding signs but surprisingly none that are harsh nothing like “murderer, baby killer” just sayings about God and choosing life. Perhaps with my background this is even harder to take in. I know this is against everything I stand for morally and yet here I sit in the passenger seat of my friends SUV pulling into a parking lot of a building I never thought I’d ever step foot in.
We pull into a space and a skinny girl probably early 20’s meets us at our car door. She is an escort for the clinic. She is in a neon green vest which compliments her tall combat boots. I know this girl; she is the one who probably stands up for women’s rights. Her friends are all the same and they get together and talk about girl power and maybe even burned a bra once or twice. She is nice and she makes small talk about the weather and points out how weird the protestors are and how it’s even more weird when they shout out prayers. I thought to myself it wouldn’t be weird to you if you knew why they were doing it and I do know why they are. I’m led to a waiting room where its only my friend and I and 3 other people. I expected there to be a few other people but, I didn’t expect the massive amounts of people who would start filing through the door. Hours passed and by the time they call my name I am in a crowded waiting room with 20 other people. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this, 20….. 20 girls….20 babies who will never see the sun…20 babies who will be in a red plastic bag labeled biohazard. I felt sick, very sick. I kept looking at every girl there and trying to create a story in my mind, justify their reason for them. One girl stuck out to me. She was a heavy set girl who looked to be my age or maybe a bit older. She was there with her husband. He sat there playing on his iphone and she sat there crying. She couldn’t stop crying. They looked well to do, they could afford a child, they were old enough, they were married so why is she here? Is something wrong with their child, perhaps an illness that was detected? They can’t fathom raising a child with a disability so they opted for this? Justified. My mind was racing and I just wanted to ask. Then in the corner was a young black couple, joking like they were in 5th period study hall. The fact they were there didn’t faze them and perhaps the act that was going to happen wouldn’t faze them either. They looked so young, they were probably there without their parents knowledge. She probably was heading to a college this fall and he was probably doing the same thing, a child in a dorm room doesn’t work. Justified. Another black girl sat quietly in the rocking chair. She didn’t get on her phone, she didn’t look at the papers on the coffee table, she didn’t look away from the hall. She came alone, the guy she was pregnant by was probably in complete agreement and they probably didn’t speak anymore. She didn’t get on her phone because maybe she didn’t have one. So she probably couldn’t afford a baby or afford emotionally doing it alone. Justified. I started to think of my reasons. Because I have a son with this guy and he isn’t around…but I do fine without him. I just got promoted at work and my pay increased…money is there. As far as I know this baby is healthy and if it isn’t then so be it. I couldn’t justify any reason being here. I spoke with the counselor and scheduled the appointment for the procedure for the following week. I got into the car and began to sob. This isn’t me; this isn’t something I can do. No judgment to any of those who can or have. It’s a safer option than a back alley whack job. I just couldn’t live with that choice. I called that Monday and cancelled, turned around and called my OB.
I’m not proud of my actions or even that I allowed my doubt in myself to carry me as far to walk inside a clinic but, I am glad it happened. I am glad that when I hold my new baby in my arms that I will cry harder knowing what I possibly almost gave away to doubt and fear. I will know that I made the right choice by following my moral beliefs and doing what is right even though it means a harder road ahead. I told a friend recently of my pregnancy and he had this to say. “God has a plan for everyone and maybe right now the big picture is cloudy but, one day it will all make sense”. I believe that. I believe that maybe now and for a while things will be tough and I might spend some nights crying. I do know I will spend many nights adoring my children, I will spend days at the park watching them play, I will sit up nights worrying when they are sick. I will still be the mother I am today but to two wonderful lives that God wants on this Earth! So for all of this I have another “A” word, appreciation.