Saturday, April 6, 2013

D is for Discover


I'm doing this from my phone so excuse any errors.

I was going to do dependable for my "D" word today but decided that wasn't the point I wanted to make with me story.

As some readers may know I am pregnant by a man that I have not been able to depend on in my life. A let down is the only dependable act he can create. For the past couple weeks our situation was getting better. I was falling deeper in love with hope. Then the weekend comes and I'm snapped back into reality. Then he follows up on Sunday with an apologetic new outlook and time and time again I allow him a second, third, by now I'd suppose we are on the 187th chance. Shame on me and no one else. This week was wonderful, he was coming over and we spent a lot of nights cuddled on the couch and really had a good time. We made each other laugh, he would rub my belly in the morning, I had a headache and he quietly played with my hair while we watched Willy Wonka. It is my ideal setting of a grown up relationship that he as a 27yr old should be able to provide. Friday rolls around and during the day my hopes are high but slowly began to dwindle. As you see I'm a Monday through Thursday girl, weekends are reserved for him and whatever bar or friend is most appealing that night. He drops off the text messaging world. I know why, if he isn't available to text he knows I get upset, if I'm upset he has a reason as to why he wasn't texting me. Hence his reason for seeing friends because "why would I want to be around you if you're mad at me"? I know the game because its been the same way for years now between us. I send a last text of "you're a real jerk" I know, real mature wording. It's all I had at the time though. No response.... Hours pass... No response. I fall asleep with my son on the couch. I wake up at 1:30 a.m. and shut off the tv and take us to bed. I check my phone only to be let down with again no response.  The shrill tone of an "old telephone" that I've selected as my ringtone disturbs my sleep. I open one eye to look at this caller, an unknown number. Odd but I answer. The familiar, quiet, rough, voice says "what are you doing?" Oh let's see 2:00 a.m. well I just finished a load of laundry, finishing up a roast, and possibly going to start a game of Go Fish with my neighbor... What do you mean what am I doing, like every other normal adult mother, I'm sleeping! I don't say any of this, I just quietly say "I'm sleeping." He then says "is your door open" in which I respond where have you been? "Well after work I stopped at Legends (our local watering hole for the young and worthless) and then I went to Kyles house. His brothers bringing me out now" he is where my "D" word finally shows face. I asked if he was close, he isn't used to any other response than yes. "Why should I not come over?" Then I lay into him with my hurt. "No I don't think it's a good idea, you couldn't talk to me all night, you couldn't tell me your plans you just ignore me, you think this is acceptable, well it's not in fact it's disrespectful. So no I don't think it's good you come here." I am meant with silence and then a "fine Ill go home" I hang up without saying goodbye. I discovered for the first time that I am fully capable of demanding respect. It is disrespectful and by me allowing him to just come in after a night like that does nothing but show weakness and weak I am not. I love him and I want him to change and I fear that will never happen. That I will discover with time. I laid in bed feeling triumphet, I was proud of myself. It hurt in a way because I did want him there. I wanted to tell him in person how it upset me but it wouldve been the same stuff over and over.

I realized this morning I need to spend more time discovering myself and other things. I need to be brave and venture into areas of my life that up until now Ive left undiscovered. I need to work on my personal strength and my realization that I am worth respect. I need to discover my true relationship with God by allowing myself not to fear the walk. It may not be something I'm used to but I think walking the right way in life is Gods way of demanding respect. He sent his child to die for my sins, the many sins I have committed and still I choose to live this half-hearted lifestyle with God. I treat God the way Dustin treats me. As a convienence, as a place of refuge after a period of taking care of my own wants and desires. I'm not saying that I am jumping off the deep end and really making this huge change. Any big and lasting change takes time and effort. One that lately has really made itself known. I need to make more of an effort to discover my true potential and purpose that the good word says God has for everyone. So here's to the "D" word discover. May you all discover something great this year. Whether it be something in yourself or a nice little restaurant around the corner that you never knew about. Discovering anything can be fun in itself and I hope this journey to my own discovery leads me to the happiness I so longingly desire.

Happy Saturday friends, I'm off to make French Toast for Max and I.

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