Dating & Band-Aids

As suggested by my counselor I should try “dating”. Accepting dates from multiple people in hopes that I will learn about them as well as myself. The goal being that by doing so I will learn what type of characteristics I like and want in a future husband.

The past few years have been rocky in the Love Department. I was married at 19 and separated by 21. Had a boyfriend and then another and finally divorced at 24. Crazy. Embarrassing. Learning experience.

I now am single and have done as Patti suggested. I am getting to know a few people. There is a farmer, a funny ghetto fabulous father and a college student.

It’s stressful.

My emotions still aren’t really clear to me. It has been some time since I have been with Max’s dad. Our relationship was never good from the start although it had good moments. I hold onto those moments as one might hold onto an old, rusty family heirloom. You don’t display it for everyone to see because it’s ugly. It’s stored up in your attic in a box with other junk but, from time to time when you’re digging through that box you see it and you smile because you know what it means to you. Those moments between us were rare but they existed and I wanted more than anything in the world for a day to come when the good outweighed the bad. Unfortunately, that day never came and I learned the hard way that I was in love with an idea, a hope, a dream, and not a man. I’m a lot better now and my bitterness and sadness has almost washed away. That scares me though. He isn’t a good man and I almost feel like I need to hold onto those feelings in order to not let myself get caught up in hoping for that dream. With that being said it has been a lot easier to move forward when you’re looking forward to being with someone new. Dating has definitely given me that push to keep my head up but, not so high that I’m back in the clouds.

Band-Aid.

My friend and I had a conversation that really hit home with me one night. She was discussing one of her sisters break ups and how her ex managed to meet a girl soon after who took on the traits that her sister possessed in the relationship. He didn’t work through the break up but rather put a Band-Aid on it. As I look at my marriage, I was unhappy and unable to effectively get that across to my husband. I found someone who I thought made it better and I allowed him to be my Band-Aid. A Band-Aid doesn’t heal wounds they cover them up and even though I had my shiny new Band-Aid, I still hurt. So I ended that and I decided that I wanted to be crazy and wild and explore my youth. That led me to meeting my sons’ father. I wasn’t happy being crazy so I allowed myself to fall for him even though I still was hurting from a failed marriage and a failed relationship. Through out everything I kept putting Band-Aids on my heart and I truly don’t think I am over any relationship I was in. How much time does one person need to heal? I regret leaving my husband because I didn’t try hard to fix it. I regret not trying harder to fix the relationship that Max’s dad and I had. Is there going to be a time where I can listen to the Beatles and not think of my ex-husband? Is there going to be a day that I won’t watch my son do something new and feel that pang of pain in my heart wishing his dad was here with me to enjoy this moment as a family? I want to move on and I want to date and I want to be happy. I think I am beginning to heal I just don’t think I’m there yet.

I do know one thing for sure. The farmer, I like him a lot and I get a different feeling with him than any other guy I have talked to in a long time. He isn’t like me in the sense that he is a farmer and very just “this is who I am”. He laughs at how complicated I am and how much I tend to over think. It’s nice to have someone who just can help me take a step back and relax a bit.  I like that about him. I just don’t want him to be another Band-Aid though. So I’m taking it slow and seeing where it goes I guess…hopefully with time and a bit of good fortune this might turn out to be something better than a Band-Aid.

On the Farm.