I Just Have to Go

In the past I have mentioned the split between my son’s father and I. It has been something that I struggle with everyday. Some days are better than others but, everyday he crosses my mind. Admitting that and seeing it in print kind of makes me gag! It is the truth though, the sad truth. How can someone so wrong for me and my son cause me such grief? I should be jumping up and down on my bed and celebrating that someone of his kind does not want to be a part of my life. Instead, I relapsed. I like to refer to my relationship with him in terms of addiction. A drug addict knows that the drug of their choice isn’t good for them. The drug harms their body, their mind, their entire life (family, friends, children, and job). My drug of choice is a man or lack of one that he is. I have never publicly ridiculed him this much but, I am to the point of no return with my hurt and anger. I don’t want to be angry anymore and I definitely don’t want to be hurt. Secretly, more than anything what I do want is for him to change. That hasn’t happened and probably won’t, at least for me. Maybe down the road he will change for himself or for some girl but, not for me. I think this is the part that I cling to. The “what if” that the future holds. What if he changes, what if he becomes the husband I want or the dad his son needs? I worked so hard, I put in the time, I am the one who was stepped on, and shouldn’t I reap the benefits? He doesn’t want me! He doesn’t want that life! He wants multiple women to hang on his every word; he wants the bar and the circle of people to laugh at his jokes. He doesn’t want me!

When I said I relapsed, I did. I consumed my drug and I had my temporary high and now I’m coming down. I ran into him the other weekend. I was having a great night and he showed up to the same establishment, alone! He lives with another woman now, and he was meeting a different woman there. We ran into one another at the jukebox and he started in with his same old stuff. He jokes with me and makes me laugh. He asked if I missed him. I stay strong, I try to be nice. I try to control my addiction, I try to walk away. My feet are glued to the floor with hope. Hopefully, tonight he realizes he is wrong and wants to come home. He mentions how cute our son is, how we make a beautiful baby. How he has been thinking that if he never moves on that we should have another child. I got a taste of my drug and I wanted the whole high. I wanted to sink so far back into those feelings and have it be real. We walked to the next room so we could speak alone. (Much to the dismay of the other girl waiting for him at the bar) We catch up more and the lies roll so sweetly off his tongue that walking away now is impossible. I want him, I want him to know how much I love him, and I want him to know how badly I want him in my life. He kisses me! I cried. I broke down and I cried. This man who a few months earlier blackened my eye was now wiping my tears away. This man was kissing the same lips he made bleed. I don’t fear him and I should, I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to hear him sing regrets. He did and he made me believe every single one of them but they are lies. We spent the rest of the evening together. We laughed and kissed and I stayed high and hopeful. I was dropped off and I went to bed hoping in the morning he would feel the same way.

His parents and he are taking Max to the train museum. He text me to tell me they are on their way. He sends pictures and is kind. Then he goes home to the other girl and doesn’t try to speak to me. She must have fell asleep early, so he text me at 10 to say sweet dreams. I smile, I text back. He text me feverishly while he is working, asking for pictures of me and telling me what I want to hear. 3:00 rolls around and he is silent again. This is where reality sinks in and starts to hurt. So I get brave and ask what Saturday meant to him….he responds wanting to know what it meant to me. He is very good at leaving doors open. I tell him all my hopes and desires like a teenager who just fell in love. He doesn’t respond. Finally, later in the night he tells me he is confused. He doesn’t know what he wants. That just means…he doesn’t want me! The sooner I realize that, the better off I will be.

Read this blog, she has inspired me this morning and I thank her.

Why We Have to Go

I will go on the plane to Florida even though it scares me.

I will go to school until I finish my degree.

I will go to see the beauties the world has to offer with my son.

I will go out on my own and make my way.

I just have to go.