I Just Have to Go

In the past I have mentioned the split between my son’s father and I. It has been something that I struggle with everyday. Some days are better than others but, everyday he crosses my mind. Admitting that and seeing it in print kind of makes me gag! It is the truth though, the sad truth. How can someone so wrong for me and my son cause me such grief? I should be jumping up and down on my bed and celebrating that someone of his kind does not want to be a part of my life. Instead, I relapsed. I like to refer to my relationship with him in terms of addiction. A drug addict knows that the drug of their choice isn’t good for them. The drug harms their body, their mind, their entire life (family, friends, children, and job). My drug of choice is a man or lack of one that he is. I have never publicly ridiculed him this much but, I am to the point of no return with my hurt and anger. I don’t want to be angry anymore and I definitely don’t want to be hurt. Secretly, more than anything what I do want is for him to change. That hasn’t happened and probably won’t, at least for me. Maybe down the road he will change for himself or for some girl but, not for me. I think this is the part that I cling to. The “what if” that the future holds. What if he changes, what if he becomes the husband I want or the dad his son needs? I worked so hard, I put in the time, I am the one who was stepped on, and shouldn’t I reap the benefits? He doesn’t want me! He doesn’t want that life! He wants multiple women to hang on his every word; he wants the bar and the circle of people to laugh at his jokes. He doesn’t want me!

When I said I relapsed, I did. I consumed my drug and I had my temporary high and now I’m coming down. I ran into him the other weekend. I was having a great night and he showed up to the same establishment, alone! He lives with another woman now, and he was meeting a different woman there. We ran into one another at the jukebox and he started in with his same old stuff. He jokes with me and makes me laugh. He asked if I missed him. I stay strong, I try to be nice. I try to control my addiction, I try to walk away. My feet are glued to the floor with hope. Hopefully, tonight he realizes he is wrong and wants to come home. He mentions how cute our son is, how we make a beautiful baby. How he has been thinking that if he never moves on that we should have another child. I got a taste of my drug and I wanted the whole high. I wanted to sink so far back into those feelings and have it be real. We walked to the next room so we could speak alone. (Much to the dismay of the other girl waiting for him at the bar) We catch up more and the lies roll so sweetly off his tongue that walking away now is impossible. I want him, I want him to know how much I love him, and I want him to know how badly I want him in my life. He kisses me! I cried. I broke down and I cried. This man who a few months earlier blackened my eye was now wiping my tears away. This man was kissing the same lips he made bleed. I don’t fear him and I should, I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to hear him sing regrets. He did and he made me believe every single one of them but they are lies. We spent the rest of the evening together. We laughed and kissed and I stayed high and hopeful. I was dropped off and I went to bed hoping in the morning he would feel the same way.

His parents and he are taking Max to the train museum. He text me to tell me they are on their way. He sends pictures and is kind. Then he goes home to the other girl and doesn’t try to speak to me. She must have fell asleep early, so he text me at 10 to say sweet dreams. I smile, I text back. He text me feverishly while he is working, asking for pictures of me and telling me what I want to hear. 3:00 rolls around and he is silent again. This is where reality sinks in and starts to hurt. So I get brave and ask what Saturday meant to him….he responds wanting to know what it meant to me. He is very good at leaving doors open. I tell him all my hopes and desires like a teenager who just fell in love. He doesn’t respond. Finally, later in the night he tells me he is confused. He doesn’t know what he wants. That just means…he doesn’t want me! The sooner I realize that, the better off I will be.

Read this blog, she has inspired me this morning and I thank her.

Why We Have to Go

I will go on the plane to Florida even though it scares me.

I will go to school until I finish my degree.

I will go to see the beauties the world has to offer with my son.

I will go out on my own and make my way.

I just have to go.

A Love Story

A story I love to share.

Recently I read a blog about an old high school sweater that belonged to a loved one that passed away. If you want to check it out you can find it here A Collection Of This And That. I loved the sweater and I loved the story behind it. Dayle mentioned she likes to think of all the good memories her loved one had in that sweater. It got me thinking about the memories I ask my grandparents to share with me. I love asking them to tell me stories from their youth. I treasure those stories just as much as I treasure the stories on my bookshelves.

My favorite story ever is how my Grandparents met. They have a Storybook Romance.

My Grandpa just finished college at Ohio Northern and had lined up an interview for a teaching position in Kalida, Ohio. When mapping out his trip he made an error and mapped his trip to Clyde, Ohio. (they sound similar) He drove all the way to Clyde and showed up on time for his interview only to be told that he was at the wrong school and worse the wrong town. Haha! Fortunately, Clyde just happened to have an opening for a Health & Physical Education teacher. My Grandpa interviewed and he got the job.

Meanwhile, my Grandma who is from a large family (she has 10 other siblings) was working as a waitress at the local diner, Bechlers. Next to the restaurant and still stands today is the Winesburg Inn. Grandpa stayed there while searching for a place to live.

Grandpa would go into Bechlers and eat dinner and Grandma would wait on him. My Grandpa always laughs because he said my Grandma would put her hand on his shoulder to ask if everything was okay with his meal. (she always blushes and denies this accusation my Grandpa makes) Finally, Grandpa asked Grandma on a date and they only dated a whopping 3 months. My Grandpa popped the question in the car one night when he was dropping her off from a date.

My Grandparents are still happily married today! I asked my Grandma how she knew Grandpa was the one and she answered very matter of fact “I sat in the middle of the bench seat right next to him in the car, I never felt comfortable to do that with anyone” haha!

Their love story is my favorite story to hear and tell.

I originally was going to end the blog there but, I felt necessary to explain to the world how much I love my Grandparents! My Grandparents are the glue that binds my whole family. They had 3 kids. Robert, Paul (my dad), and Ann and of course they all had children. I am the oldest grandchild of 11. We spend every Sunday at my Grandparents house. It makes for a loud house full of laughter and multiple people talking at once. However, throughout the week it isn’t uncommon for any of us to stop over on multiple occasions to visit for an hour or two. When I go there one of my cousins are usually there too. Especially now that some of the younger ones are able to drive. Then sometimes my cousins and I all get together and plan a surprise visit. They stay up and watch the 11:00 o’clock news so a few months ago we all drove over at 10:00 and surprised them! They loved it! We stayed till about midnight and even then my Grandma was saying “you kids don’t have to rush out, we stay up pretty late.” My Grandparents are the ones who introduced me to God. They are the ones who taught me that it is okay to laugh at myself when I make a mistake. They are my biggest supporters. Even now typing this out I get teary eyed just because I love them that much! I am so incredibly lucky to have them in my life.

When I was little I was kind of scared of my Great Grandparents. I didn’t see them often and my one Great Grandma had her leg amputated so for a 6 year old that was a bit much ha. I didn’t want my son to be like that around my Grandparents. He isn’t! He is obsessed with them haha probably just as much as I am. When we pull into their house he squeals and bounces in his seat. They adore my son (at times I think they want to see him more than they want to see me and I get jealous haha).  I just can’t stress how much I love those two people! If you have Grandparents or older relatives, take the time to ask them stories from when they were younger! You never know what great story they might have to share!

 

Jessilyn

My Grandparents and I when I was blonde and pregnant ha.

Christmas caroling when my brother was home from the Marines.

Elsie & Ralph

Grandpie and Max in the garden

Wonderful Weekend

Cupcake Wine.

I had a lovely weekend. A weekend full of fun and people I love the most. I am thankful for this past weekend.

Friday I attended our local high school football game. It was one of the big games. We played our rival, The Redman…grr * insert angry football face here. Sadly, we lost! I used to cheer in high school so watching the game brought back a lot of fun memories. I even got some goose bumps when the band started playing our fight song. I took Max and he seemed to like it as well. However, once the clock started winding down in the fourth quarter so did his patience for sitting in the stands. I went with my close friend and we sat with my grandparents. It ended up storming that night so I fell asleep to the sound of a hard rain.





 Saturday morning Max slept in which is rare. I took full advantage and curled back up under my covers until I heard the familiar “mom, MOM, mom”. My friend Kate invited Max and I to breakfast so after a pit stop to the potty to brush our teeth, Max and I were out the door. (jammys still on) Kate made pancakes and had fresh peaches which really hit the spot. I can’t resist a juicy peach! The sun finally peaked through and it was cool, sunny, and a perfect day for the zoo! We got the kids around and took off for Toledo. It was a perfect day at the zoo. The animals were very active and Max loved the Tigers. The one was quite active, chasing around a bird in his enclosure. The rest of the day Max would have a random Tiger outburst “arrggg…. (complete with a claw gesture).

Kate being silly and Max looking so handsome!



Look at my happy man!

After the zoo….I hit a wall on the “good day train”. We went to good ole Bobby Evans. Max was sleepy and was not in the sitting and eating quietly mood. Bob Evans in my town is comparable to a nursing home. So I suffered many stares from the geriatrics section of the restaurant. I decided I would no longer ruin others meal with my screaming child. I asked Kate to box up our meal and we would be in the car. After a few minutes of calm down for Max I let my hunger overcome my fear of the stares and walked back in to attempt to finish my meal. I sat Max down and he started picking at his food. I picked up my sandwich to take a bite and low and behold a big, black hair was intricately weaved into my burger. Vomit! I was done.  

We got home and Max fell asleep, it was a long day and he was pooped. I too had a long day and emotionally I have been a bit frazzled due to some recent news and yet another bout of rejection. (I just can’t win when it comes to my dating life) I grabbed a bottle of wine and went for a good session of Whining over Wine. I am truly thankful for my friend Emily. She has patient ears. I always whine over the same stuff and she continues to listen. I hope someday I can do the same for her. I think my whine session was helpful, I feel a lot better and a lot more productive. Sometimes you just need a good friend and a glass of wine. Plus it was a gorgeous night. The air was cool and we were in our sweats and hoodies out on her patio. I went home with a smile in my heart.



Cupcake

I follow some blogs that I look at and think “man these people are perfect.” They have a great hubby, a beautiful home, a sense of style and a knack for décor. I usually sign off with such envious thoughts. Today I told myself….”You’ll be there someday”. I truly think I will be. So my weekend was lovely and I am thankful in so many ways.

Jessilyn

Save the Stupid Youth Fund

Although I understand that teen pregnancy is a big issue in our country, I feel that debt is probably a bigger burden on young folks. I wish in high school it would have been brought to my attention just how stressful debt can be.

In 8^th grade we did the “fake baby” project where we had the doll that would cry in the middle of the night. I remember being excited to take it out in public just to see the reactions I would get. It was fun but, I must admit it didn’t detour me from having sex. (My mother who promised me she would shoot me if I got pregnant halted any hormonal urges I was having at that age.)

I propose in high school they have an “I’m Up to my Ears in Debt Project”. March them into a bank and have the pitiful look they give you when your loan is denied. Stick them in a junk car and give them a flat tire and a transmission problem that has to be fixed. Rent is due at the end of the month and utilities are a month behind. Wave concert tickets in their face and tell them it’s either the concert tickets or the gas bill…. Phone is ringing off the hook because your student loan payments are due from your short stint in college that was basically the most expensive party of your life. Whether or not you graduate you aren’t guaranteed a job and you still have to pay them back. You don’t have insurance and you had to go to the hospital…they are calling. Your payments have been sent to a collection agency and they are calling your grandparents. This is stress! A baby at least has the benefits of watching them grow and the relationship you build. When you watch your debt grow nothing changes but your stress level.

Granted not everyone my age is struggling with as much debt as I am and I am sure some have more. I made choices that were stupid. However, maybe if I had a better understanding of life and how debt effects the choices you want to make later perhaps I wouldn’t have made such terrible choices. Perhaps I would have practiced safe finances. I mean I am only 28K in debt and people buy cars that are more expensive….but to me that is a ton and it is hard to live life with a son and get ahead when I am already so behind. BLAH!

The idea of a new car and a house is so far out of reach it is painful. I will be 50 before I can get my credit where it needs to be.

Vent session over.

Anyone who would like to donate money to the Save the Stupid Youth Fund please contact me for information.